Answer this...

Do you think (and why, what is your proof?) that Christians should be involved in politics? To what extent? How do we show the love of Christ and stand up for what we believe in?

Me and Lord Byron?

One of my biggest personal convictions is to be a person of honesty. To seek the truth and share the truth. All truth is God's truth, is it not?

So, I realized that I am similar to Lord Byron in one aspect. The following could be a description of me, I think. "He (Byron) remained faithful to his code: a determination to tell the truth as he saw it about the world and about himself (his refusal to suppress or conceal any of his moods is in part what made him so contradictory) and a dedication to the freedom of nations and individuals."

With honesty comes an almost seeming contradictory nature, as ironic as that sounds. Honesty as contradictory? But we are complex beings, with sometimes contradictory emotions/thoughts/ideas. I strive, however, in all that I do and speak and act, to be honest and real.

Waiting

I love Jesus. I love the fact that He is our Maker, the lover of our souls. One of the biggest facts that proves His love is the fact that He waits and has waited and will wait for us. He didn't ask us if we wanted him to wait, and He didn't wait for us to want him to wait. He waits patiently for His children, for people to come to Him, for their hearts to change as His Spirit draws them. He counted the cost, knowing that some will come, some will change, and some won't. He paid the ultimate cost by dying and defeating death, but then He also waits. He draws. He loves.

As His Word says, "Love is patient, [...] it hopes all things." God is love. He is patient, and though He is all-knowing, He also desires that none should perish but that all should come to repentance.

If I was God, I would not be able to pay that cost. I could not wait. Knowing that some would not come? Wow.

What is my calling?

Today in chapel I was broken. Thank you to my friends for being there and supporting me.

We watched a video of the ravaging impact of AIDS on so many people throughout Africa--of so many women and children and men too. Children who have retracted AIDS through birth or by being raped. Human trafficking is attached to the AIDS epidemic too. Lord, deliver us!

I want to help. I want to work in medical missions. Yeah. I am an English Major. I know that I am called to missions, and today, I felt something stir up in me that I've repressed for a long time. I don't know if it's just a dream, but to work as a healthcare provider in such a country is what I want to do. I want to teach too.

It was hard today because I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Do I pursue teaching? Do I go to more school and, essentially, start over? Do I pursue the medical field? What has the Lord really called me to? What do I really want? And wow, Lord, I need guidance and financial provision. This is a scary time of life. If I could, after I graduate, I would love to start right away into some kind of medical profession. If it be toward nursing or pre-med. I would work so hard. Man, so many dreams! :)

Oh, and exciting news, I have been accepted into the JET Program (teaching English in Japan). I now face 2 interview processes, and if I pass those, then Japan, here I come! And so maybe I just need to get some experience overseas. I can always come back and enter programs too. Maybe my dreams and aspirations will be clearer then.

What does the Lord have next? The Lord only knows! I am glad about one thing though; in the midst of uncertainty, I am glad that no matter where I am in life, or how uncertain the future looks, that the Lord is always faithful and always present. My calling to live for his glory and to share the Good News will never change, no matter what the "future" looks like. Our callings are all the same in that.

Hamas takes control

Wow. The Palestinians elected the terrorist Hamas group into office of the Palestinian state today. This is a terrorist group that has been behind many of the suicide bombings in Israel. Their purpose has been to be rid of the state of Israel. The U.S. says it will not support a group that endorses violence or terrorism. Nor will Israel. Which is good, to say the least.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11046430/

We need to pray.

Men and women, so different!

Why is it that men and women are attracted to one another, other than the compelling fact that God created us to need each other? This is coming from my obvious Christian viewpoint.

My ideas (a few) on why a woman wants a man:
1. She wants to be loved. And to love. She needs to love.
2. She wants to be fought for, but she wants to protect the man who fights for the Lord first, and for her second. (In my mind, I see this as the woman at the man's right hand, protecting him from side attacks while he takes the enemy face-on)
3. She wants to be closer to someone who is like her Savior, but knows that he is not and never will be her savior.
4. She wants to be needed and to nurture.

My ideas (a few) on why a man wants a woman:
1. He wants to be loved. And to love. He needs to love.
2. He wants to fight. He is created of and for epic-proportions for the Lord's doing.
3. He needs a resting place, a place of safety and comfort.
4. He wants to be needed.

I know, I'm being cheesy tonight. Don't look too much into it. I am female. :)

There are thousands more reasons why. I love that the Lord shows parts of his nature through the characteristics that dwell in man and in woman. The world perverts the beauty of love, of marriage, and of maleness/femaleness. May we see through the crystal eyes of Christ; may we love with the purity of God.

A floating head

I layed down to take a nap today. As I turned on my side, I looked over at the mirror across the room and saw a strange sight...it looked as though my head was the only part of my body and that the rest of my body (covered in a blanket) had sunk into the bed. It just looked like a head sticking up from a bed of quicksand.

And then I thought a strange thought: "I want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like."

Imagine that we were just a bunch of heads floating around this world. We weren't obsessed with the image of our bodies--how fat or thin, muscular or flabby, tall or short, tan or black or white, we are--and instead we knew one another on only the basis of WHO we are. Our thoughts, our abilities to love, to speak, to dream. Would we dream bigger? Would we dream epics? Would we love better?

Of course, I love having a body and the joy that physical effort brings. I mean, God created us with bodies for a purpose! But I also don't want to be motivated by my body or by other peoples' bodies. Does that make sense? In dealing with love, dreams, and hopes, I mean. It is through the action of our bodies that we accomplish things, but it cannot be our focus or motivation. Our bodies are tools; they are, as the Word says, "temples." A temple is something to be honored, but not worshipped.

I want to be a woman of integrity in body and in attitude. Yes, I have a body. My body will wither and die one day too. But Ash, the spirit and human inside, will live always, by the grace of Jesus Christ.

DNA Testing

First, how can the judicial system and the people of America (if it's even possible) make up to those individuals who have been convicted of felonies, locked in prison for years, and later found to be innocent? How can the jurors involved make up to the families? Obviously no human system of judicial procedures will ever be perfect, but I wonder how many men/women have either gone free when guilty or charged guilty when innocent. Would we rather see somebody, anybody, pay for a crime, in order to satisfy our minds that at least something was done? Second, I wonder how reliable DNA testing is.

I read this story today "Man exonerated by DNA is freed after 24 years," at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10995872/, and it made me think of To Kill A Mockingbird.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy" (Proverbs 31.8-9).

The Big Bang...or not

To the right is the horsehead nebula. It blows me away.

It just goes to show that God is not just powerful, but He is creative too.

The Big Bang theory? From just a blah of matter, an explosion, and then random creation into a horsehead nebula? What do you think about creation? I believe that God created all things, to put it simply. If the Big Bang theory is right, then where did the blah of matter come from, if not from God? And how in the world did forms and matter evolve into complex beings and substances without a divine hand involved?

Also, randomly, it is very interesting that Plato, though he lived pre-Christ, writes of many very Christian ideas. I just found out today after reading some of Plato's Gorgias for class, that Plato upheld strong morals and beliefs about humanity. Very interesting. I wonder what he would think about the Big Bang theory.

"I'm a surviva"

"I'm a surviva, I gonna make it. I'm a surviva, ain't gonna stop me." Are those the correct lyrics to that song? Oh well, they sound good. :)

I love it that God created us to be fighters, to be born survivors. I mean, think about how frail our bodies really are, and yet how strong the natural human will to survive is. And yet, to be reminded by a friend again today that people can be so low that the will to die is stronger than the will to live, and they would rather end the pain themselves than to keep struggling while they already feel like they're drowning. There's another song on the radio that says, "How can you be so lonely and nobody knows," as the singer talks about a young man committing suicide. It's a sad, sad song because it is such a real occurrence that can never be reversed. Death is so...final. Any option is better than that, even if it means holding on to another day.

God is victorious. HE is our HOPE. Such hope. No matter the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the loss, the apathy, the loneliness. Pain is real. But all that is bad will end one day. It will. Even if it's not until the last day that the Lord has given us on this earth. But He promises that one day He will wipe the tears from our eyes. Jesus Christ, the life, our life, my life, is worth holding onto until that day.

Next stop, divorce court?

Wow. When I saw that eye-catching title today on my MSN Webpage, something fierce rose up in my heart. MSN showed a picture of a married couple in bed sleeping with about 2 feet in between them, the man and woman facing away from each other. Phrases underneath the caption said "He's out of work, she's out of patience", and "Tom does absolutely nothing," as incentives for divorce.

Granted, I did not read the article, and I also do believe that divorce is an option biblically valid only in certain circumstances: marital unfaithfulness and, I believe, some cases of abuse are legit too. I also know that sometimes matters of one partner being a Christian and/or becoming a Christian can lead to divorce too. Otherwise, death is the only thing that naturally can separate a man and woman once they have committed in marriage, a Christian man and a Christian woman.

The fierceness that rose up in me today says, "Jobs, finances, loss, birth, death, etc...all of these things happen in life. But the covenant of marriage is not an option!!! Marriage is not about selfish love, it is about self-sacrificial love." Maybe I should not be addressing people in general, but addressing Christians, God's people, the ones who are supposed to look different than the world and to live by the standards of the Bible. Do you agree or disagree?

I'm not speaking in a way that is intending to be condemning, but it is just sad to see, frustrating to see. God uses marriage as the one example by which he shows the covenant with his people that he has made, and sometimes we just dash marriage away like it's an ant to be squashed once we have tired of him living in our jar.

God is always merciful and just, loving and forgiving. But marriage, He intended it. It's sacred. It's committed. It's sacrificial. It's intended to resemble God's relationship with us.

Aaahhh!!!

Yeah, that's how I feel tonight inside. Just 100 times louder and longer.

I am thankful that even in difficult times our Lord is strong, ever faithful, ever present, ever loving. Everthing that I am not. I just want to run away, to start my life. I'm tired of school, of the rain, of Seattle, of my own ridiculous inability to make decisions and stick with them, of my lack of love, of my vanity and selfishness. I'm so tired. You ever get that way? I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's me, if it's a spiritual attack, if it's just how life is sometimes. But I've never felt it so keenly. I want to go away, just me. And then I ask myself, where will I go? Why? What is my purpose?

It's just one of those weeks I guess. :) God is good, and I know I am here for a reason. You know what it is? I am having the hardest time with myself. I am so unreliable, unloving, of a stony heart. God is the only one who is good. I hate the fact that my actions can affect people for the negative. I know that such is life. But when I try so hard to live for the Lord, and to still hurt people? Ugh. God is good. GOD is good. He is the only One who is.

All or nothing

All or nothing. All? Or nothing? Of course there are times when we are supposed to hold back, wait longer, have patience, pray more, persevere, take a deep breath, and just trust. Sometimes it seems like this life is more about waiting for the next big thing, the next step, in our lives rather than the actual happening of that so called "big thing." But life usually consists of the everyday. The mundane. The ordinary. The waiting. You know what I mean.

I am realizing in myself that I am, as a friend put it, "an all or nothing" type of person. Now this application applies to many aspects of life, but in realizing this about myself, I also realize that it can make it extremely difficult to be in the in-between stage of anything. Of the transition from college to career, of living with parents to life on my own, of relationships, of Christianity. Tell me if you agree or disagree, but I think that we were created to be "all or nothing" types of creatures. We either give everything (and this can mean of our hearts, of our lives, of our finances, of our time, you pick), or we give nothing. I want to invest all of myself in whatever I do as unto the Lord, because we are called to do everything as unto the Lord, whether in life or in death. That means all, doesn't it?

So now, what does that mean, giving all, when most of our lives consists of waiting, of being in-between, of the ordinary and everyday? Of course we still have friendships, relationships, jobs, papers, hobbies, etc., into which we pour ourselves. But really? How do we live our all in the everyday? I'm finding out (the hard way, as usual) that it is in seeking the Lord with all. You might say, "duh," but you will also probably agree with me when I say it's extremely difficult. As Deuteronomy 6.4-5 says "Hear, O Israel: the LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."

That means all. I know. It's the hardest thing to do.

Growing Up...

It's happening. And it's kind of wierd. Good, but wierd. First comes graduation from college, then career, then marriage, then family, then ..., and life goes on, God-willing. It's all a cycle, and it's fun to be coming into the cycle. But I miss those friends already gone, and I will miss those friends who are still here but won't always be.
Here, I want to write to those friends who I know actually read my blog, so if I don't write to you, it's because I don't think you read my blog. :) Of course, everything I say here is said much better in person, but I still mean it all. It's nice to read things too.


Dad (I don't know if you'll read this...)--what can I say? You are a great father, provider, and listener. I will always be your baby girl, and I love that. I'm so thankful that I can talk to you.

Mom (I don't know if you'll read this...)--you are the most beautiful, strong woman I know, and will ever know. My view of you will never change. You are a superhero to me, and you always have been.

Tania--how I love thee. Roommate and BF forever. D.C. is big and scary, but God is bigger and scarier (in a good way). Can't wait to see you in a couple of months. You are one of a kind, Tan. Your heart and passion for God and for changing this world...let it fuel you.

Dulc--you are and always will be a sister of my heart. I see you and I see such beauty, truly. Wow, yeah. My heart can't express.

KStar--I don't know what to say other than that you are so worth it. You are wild and untameable, and yet still so feminine. I love how you love God, love your family, and love your friends.

Jules--if I ever could have a big sister, it would be you. And yet you are so young at heart! :) Seriously, your wisdom hits me in the heart and makes me strive to be a better woman. You are goofy and lovely.

Christy--I don't think I've ever looked up to someone so much as you, and you don't even know it.

J-You are good for me, and for so many who know you. I don't even think you know it fully yet, but I see strength in you and I believe that your calling from the Lord is one of love, of power, and of self-giving.

Well...I have so much to say about everybody, and I hope nobody minds if this is a "personal" blog, if that's even possible. But hey, I felt like writing, okay!? :) Want to hear it in person? Just ask! :)

More than life

"I love you more than life," we sang in Chapel today. I sang it with my whole heart. And yet something nagged at the back of my mind.

Lord, I do love you more than life. To the point that if you would have my life, it is yours, literally. If I am called to die for your glory, so be it! May it be so! My life is forfeit because it is Christ's. All that I want, I submit to what you want.

As I was thinking, I also realized that, in one aspect of the song, it is wrong. I don't love him more than life because he IS my life. I love that he lives and is the Living God. He is God of the living. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Lord, I love you because you are my life. Even when this body dies, all that I have to look forward to, from this point on, is eternal life! Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. He died so that we might have life and have it to the full, more abundantly. And He lives.

In the words of Shakespeare...

For my Shakespeare class I am reading the play Cymbeline, a tragi-comedy. It is highly entertaining because, as my professor put it, it's like "reading a soap opera!" In spite of the "soap-opera" characteristics invoked in the play, a few lines resonated with me and I am going to apply them in a Christian context (not what Shakespeare intended).

"How hard it is to hide the sparks of Nature!
These boys know little they are the sons to th' king,"
Act 3. Scene 3. Lines 79-80

In this quote, a banished Lord (who stole the King of Britain's 2 sons at birth) realizes as he observes his two "sons," that though they have no idea they are royalty, something about their actions, who they are, spells integrity, breeds royalty.

If you haven't noticed already, I'm hinting toward the idea, in a Christian application, that in a similar way are we, God's creatures, so completely unaware (until we become Christians) that we were born/created of God. Since we are created in God's image, though we are fallen, it is still hard to "hide the sparks of Nature." If only we saw everybody through such eyes. That we are sons (and daughters) to the King!

Without a care...or maybe with

Ouch.
I care.
Too much probably.
I love my friends and family.
It's impossible not to.
Too impossible.
I care.
What you do affects me.
What I do affects you.
Or don't do.

To all my friends/family: I don't say it enough, or mean it enough, or ever at all. But I love you. I want to be a better Christian, friend, daughter. Have grace, please, I'm trying. I'll have grace for you too, because I know you're trying.

We were made to do this together, in community. I'm hurting here. You're hurting. I need you all. We all need each other. Praise God. Please, tell me how you are feeling and/or not feeling community. I am so desperately waiting for, and yet seeking out, the community of God, the body of believers, the friends that I have, with whom we can be the true over-comers and life-bringers we were made to be. Please, have mercy and grace. I will try to too.

Discrimination

As I said 2 blogs ago, the pastor at the church I attended this last Sunday encouraged the church to take action and write to our state Senator in order to vote AGAINST HB 1515, which is up in the State Senate for a revote during the 2006 Legislative Session.

So, being me, I decided to look into why we "shouldn't" vote in support of HB 1515. First of all, I asked myself, what is HB 1515? What is it saying. You should find out and read it for yourself.

The url to the bill is http://www.leg.wa.gov/pub/billinfo/2005-06/Pdf/Bills/House%20Bills/1515.pdf

I want to discuss this bill with others. I am leaning much more heavily, after having read the bill, toward voting in support of HB 1515 because this bill is not advocating or legalizing gay marriage, as I have been led to believe. It says that employers/credit unions/property renters/etc should not be able to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation. As a Christian, I do not think that we should discriminate, period. My question is this: Should it be the U.S. government that enforces anti-discrimination laws? To me, if it is, then since HB 1515 asks that no person be disciminated against based on their sexual orientation, in addition to race, age, creed, sex, etc, then I may in fact be in support of HB 1515. I don't know. I am still working it out. I am against legalizing gay marriages. But I am not against anti-discrimination laws. Tell me what you think.

Covenant

Your Maker is your husband--Isaiah 54.

When we come to know who we are in Christ, who our Protector, Provider, and Faithful One is, not just in us, but in this world, we also enter a place of being able to pour out into a spouse. I am not married. But to my Maker, I am. A covenant of love is what He has established with his children, and to which we are bound. A girl friend of mine challenged me today to hold on to the covenant to Christ that I have made, through which He chose to make an analogy of marriage. A husband and a wife give of themselves for the other. When Christ is the center of each partner's life, how much more will that giving be, how much more love, more faithfulness, more grace, more forgiveness, more trust, each person will have to offer.

A man, a warrior. A woman, a warrior. A man, beautiful. A woman, beautiful. A man, loving. A woman, loving. A man, honorable. A woman, honorable. These are not contingent upon the other but strengthen and bond the other. It's not, "a man, a warrior" first, and then "a woman, a warrior" after. Rather, it's both created, and both unified.

As we find rest in a faithful, trustworthy, and strong Maker, so too will a spouse find rest in a faithful, trustworthy, and strong spouse who abides in the presence of that Lord. God will never error. A husband or a wife will. But when each person's source is the Lord, then marrying a person (who will fail) is okay. It's inevitable.

A hate crime

What is a hate crime? Today, the pastor of the church that I attended proposed that if the U.S. legalizes homosexual marriages, then the belief that homosexuality is immoral will legally be termed as "a hate crime," and will thus be illegal.

Can we equate the homosexual battle with racism? Is it the same thing? Some people argue that it is. I personally do not think so. Homosexuality, just like adultery and/or heterosexuality and/or celebacy, are all activities that we can choose. Our race is not something we choose.

As a Christian, however, I want to apologize, for myself and for Christians in general, for those remarks and/or actions that have not been done in love toward others, in particular toward those practicing homosexuality. Just because I do not agree with the practice does not mean that I do not love the person. In fact, in Christ there is freedom from sin. In Christ, God extends his love and mercy and grace to us, to all people, regardless of our past or where we are in the present, and asks that we accept Christ and walk in the decrees that he has given for our own good and for his glory. Often homosexuality is posited as "worse" than other activities. But a sin is a sin. We were born into it. When we repent and accept Christ as Lord, our sins (all of them) are forgotten and are as far as the east is from the west. Christians need to remember that we are all sinners. What separates us is merely that we have accepted the forgiveness of God through the blood of Jesus Christ. Blood that has been extended to all of mankind. Out of such humility we must act and speak.

As a Christian, for whoever reads this, to the best of my ability and by the grace of God, I will stand up for what I believe in, but I will never act out of malice or hatred toward anybody. Forgive me, because I will fail. But I strive to love out of God's love, no matter what. If people hate me for what I believe, then I pray that God will bless them and draw them to Him. My calling is to love, forgiveness, and reconciliation, no matter what is said or done to me. My life is not my own, but Christ's.

Iranian Revolution

I am reading a novel about the Islamic Revolution that occurred in Iran starting in the 1970s, and that has continued until the present. The novel, Reading Lolita in Tehran, is written by a female professor who taught English in the Iranian University.

She writes about a type of military tactic that the government used in order to capture the holy city of Karballa in Iraq; "Any and all methods were used to achieve their purposes, including what became known as 'human wave' attacks, where thousands of Iranian soldiers, mainly very young boys ranging in age from ten to sixteen and middle-aged and old men, cleared the minefields by walking over them."

I quote her here in order to make us think about what it means to be dictated, to be zealous, to be oppressed, to be a religious extremist, to be afraid. The women in Iran were forced to wear the veil because "A woman in a veil is protected like a pearl in an oyster shell." What does it mean to be oppressed, victimized, and forced into action and/or inaction?

A storm, a metaphor

When the storm has swept away,
the wicked are gone,
but the righteous stand firm forever. Proverbs 10.25

Wind pelts my face with daggers of tiny water drops as I rush headlong into the crashing clouds, blowing trees, and dark mist. Cringing with cold and a stab of fear, I brush my dripping hair off my face and stare intensely into the swirling mass. I don't know what's out there. But this is a storm. And it hurts. Slowly, I keep walking. Each time a huge gust of wind comes, I have to stop and brace my feet; I take my hands out of my pockets and face my shoulders straight into the wind, baring my body to the storm's wrath. I plant my feet on the ground, one foot slightly in front of the other, and wait for the surge to pass. It moves me back a few steps, I sway slightly. I pray for mercy.

To the bone, I am soaking, I am freezing, I am afraid, and I am hurt.

But the wind eventually dies, and the sun peeks through the swirling, dissipating thunderhead. I pat my body in disbelief as water oozes from my clothes.

I am still standing. And then I walk on. I look around me, and others walk on too.