Bruce Almighty

Have you ever seen that movie?

If you haven't (and you can fast-forward through some sexual inuendos), then you should see it.

My favorite is the part where Bruce gets a chance to see Grace as she's praying for him. He looks in through the window at her, and for the first time, actually sees her and loves her.

He sees her pain, her passion for him, and all that she sees in him but that he doesn't see.

I wish we could see people like that--see into their hearts, tears, passions. And I wish people could see us like that too. The people we really care about. Then maybe we wouldn't be so wrapped up in selfishness and we'd learn to love.

Suddenly

Yes, it's true. I don't want to go home to Kirkland now. I like my apartment (though I wish it was more permanent so I could decorate and put up Christmas stuff), I love my job, the people in Brush are kind and welcoming, and living in my own room and my own space is blessed. There's one person I want to see from there right now. And my family. That's all.

Today was a hard day at work. In fact, after receiving an email, it was a bad 48 hours in general. I'm such a poop-head sometimes (and yes, I know...that was very mature of me). I don't care...I'm not perfect! I get tired too. I get grumpy too. I say stupid stuff too. There's no excuse for any of it though.

Right now, I feel like erupting into a million pieces, flying away to another place, and not coming back. I'm glad I came home to an empty, dark apartment tonight. And at the same time, I want to curl up with others (even if it was just a dog), cry a little bit, and just REST in the presence of a person. I haven't rested in ANYbody's presence since I've been here. If you have that option, don't take it for granted. Last night as I was going to sleep, I lay in bed and just prayed that the Lord would help me feel His presence that simply cares about little ol' me. That's all I want right now. To rest. You know...how you feel when you're a little girl all curled up in your daddy or mommy's lap. That kind of rest. Where you're cherished, protected, and loved.

I guess it's tendency to put on a courageous pretense of not needing others.

Yes, I am stubborn. And no, I don't want to see you.

(I hope you get the bitter irony...)

Potty mouth...

Eeek...do you ever get frustrated at yourself? I did...this weekend!

I have been learning much from the Lord, and yet, still I am, well, me. Imperfect, mean, indifferent, uncaring.

I hate speech that is not edifying--cussing, name-calling, etc. And we don't have to say "bad" words to fit into such speech. But it has been brought to my attention, which I am thankful for (because I can change) that I say "crap" or "what the crap?" a lot. Seriously, I don't even like that word or that saying! It's a stupid ugly habit. I'm working on it. Working on my speech being edifying, even if I'm carsick, or annoyed, or tired.

I've got a ways to go...

NO more potty-mouth for me! :)

The events of the weekend.

Yes, it was a very crazy, busy, travel-filled weekend of Thanksgiving. My parents, youngest brother, and I flew to California to visit my grandparents in Sonora. Let me tell you, Sonora is not typical Cali, like one may normally think of Cali. It is nestled in some hills (lots of hills...bring on the Dramamine!) with trees changing colors--red, yellow, green, orange. It was gorgeous. There are some expensive places around there, but it was lovely.

Thanksgiving was on Friday, where the whole side of my dad's family came over to my grandparents' house. We took pictures, ate lots of food (there were 22 of us there), talked and talked and talked. Thankfully, I had my own little room to come home to by myself--too many people make me need to recover alone. It was good though.

My great-grandma is still alive. She is 94. And the funny part was that, though she is small and old, my big uncle kept asking her if she wanted any more drinks (she had one pomegranate martini). At one point after he asked her again, she thumped her fists on the counter and said, "Bring it on."

We all cracked up. Yep, that's my dad's side of the family. Big. German. Likes alcohol and sausages. Weird...nothing that I have in common.

Alas, I am home now (in Brush), and am dog-tired. It's time to prepare for the next few weeks, take a bubble bath, and talk to my love. I miss you, friends of mine! But I'll see you all too soon. Another thing, what is going on here? Washington is getting dumped on with snow AND rain, but Colorado (the place that's supposed to have bad weather) is still 50 degrees out, dry as a stick, and sunny. RAIN! Come back! SNOW! I miss you!

Thoughts on the eve of the eve of Thanksgiving

1. If you have Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for his Highest" devotional, then read yesterday's entry, from November 20th. I don't think I've ever read a more powerful entry.

2. I just started getting nervous about something. The fact that if the schools here in Brush begin post-testing, and the students don't do well, it may be a reflection on MY inability! Agh. Okay, I know that means I am not trusting the Lord right now, but the thought just hit me a few minutes ago.

3. Also, I realized that people are not perfect. (You might say "duh.") But with imperfection comes imperfect results. Though I am working as the professional development consultant here--to teach, refine, and lead the implementation of our programs, there is still room for error. Whenever you are leading others, though you may be leading, you are not actually doing what it is you are teaching the others how to do (if that makes sense). For example, as I'm leading these teachers and paras to implement our program, it is still THEM who are implementing, not me and not someone from Lindamood-Bell. It will still never be ideal. And such information I have to keep in mind regarding results.

4. It's almost Thanksgiving. I am very thankful right now. Very thankful. And it's about two things. One, I'm thankful for God's provision and saving grace. Two, I'm thankful for the people I love. (I guess that is three things...)

5. Less than 30 days and I'll be back in Seattle. But I am very excited to continue here at Brush. The relationships with teachers and students that have grown are priceless. One little boy, just today, raced by me on his crutches after school and said, "Bye Ashley, Happy Thanksgiving!" I smiled and called the same after him. He is one of the sweetest kids in group. (Can I have favorites?) :)

Jesus is good!

Some funny words for the girls, hints for the guys

I have read these and find that, surprisingly, they are true. I love being a woman. Oh the intricasies.


DEFINITIONS OF COMMONLY USED TERMS

a. FINE-This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

b. FIVE MINUTES- If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

c. NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something", and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

d. GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

e. LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

f. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

It bugs me...

I used to say it all the time, "Oh my God!" And I meant it in the sense of exclamation or outburst that results from frustration or surprise or anger.

Now, I hate it when God's name is used in this way. It doesn't just bug me, it hurts me. It makes me cringe on the inside to hear it.

I don't know if that is what it means "to take the Lord's name in vain," but even if it doesn't, it still hurts because it is a saying that belittles God. It doesn't glorify him. However, the only way I see it being okay is in serious supplication to the Lord, "Oh, my GOD," where the name of God is respectfully and honorably spoken.

In confessing, I have said it on accident a few times NOT in a respectful way since coming to know the Lord. And seriously, when I have ever found myself saying that phrase, or any others like it (cause there are many), I have immediately asked the Lord to forgive me...because I remember my grandma telling me about saying the Lord's name in such a belittling manner. I haven't ever forgotten the lesson she taught me.

I'm not saying this out of a self-righteous kind of attitude, I just really hate hearing those types of phrases. Especially from Christians. I hear it a lot in the workplace. When I hear it there, it just reminds me to pray for people, and to make sure that while others aren't glorifying him, that I AM glorifying him.

An email I sent...

I have just excerpted the email I sent to the man who published the website "How to fight the Religious Right." You should read his website. You know where we go wrong? We impose laws that God intended for His people upon the world. We will only see change if God transforms a heart first. When I was saved, I didn't come perfect, and neither did you. It was only afterward that God expected me to live according to His laws.


"Hello Mr. Elroy,

I just read your website concerning "How to Fight the Religious Right."

I'm sure you get emails all the time, both from "Christians," really
from Christians, and from people who aren't. Just an upfront FYI, I
believe that I am one of those true Christians. I believed in Christ
Jesus as my Lord 6 years ago, when I was 16. Lord knows I'm not
perfect though! :) I do hope you read and openly contemplate all I
write below, just as I openly contemplated, and will continue to do
so, your words.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your site. Though I
must confess that I do not agree with you on all of your points, I do
agree with some of your points.

If we look at the Church and use "the Church" as the only basis for
our faith, we quickly lose that faith. The church is made up of
people, and people are not perfect. Thankfully, however, the Lord IS
perfect. I made the decision to follow Christ and to love as he
modeled, not because it made me feel good. Not because I had a
"religious experience." In fact, this man, Jesus, if he wasn't
reallly what he said he was, then I am believing in a heretical,
crazy, insane man who has deceived billions of people. But if he
was...

And I believe he was. Not because I have empirical evidence, not
because I "saw the light" and somehow was firmly convinced, not
because I was once sinful and now am perfect, not because I am better
than the next Joe. Honestly, if it came down to anything, I simply
believe that Jesus is Christ, that the Bible is true, and that only
through Jesus can we be reconciled in the eyes of God during this New
Testament time period, because it made sense. It makes sense. It's
simply faith. I don't know how, I can't convince anybody with my
words, I can't convince you. But the day I learned about the truth of
Jesus, something stirred in my heart (yes, though, my heart stirs at
many things, that doesn't necessarily make it legit). My heart kept
stirring, then my mind stirred as I studied up, then all of a sudden I
realized that I did, I believed. Not just that there was a God,
because I had believed that all my life (though I had no thought or
care what that meant), but that Jesus is alive and conquered death.
That he loves the harlot, the homosexual, the poor (he loves me, who
murdered him). And you're right, the Bible doesn't just speak of
homosexuality, for example, as sinful, but lists things such as
adultery and fornication too. In fact, it lists things such as greed,
lust, lies, deceit too. I may not be guilty of adultery, but greed...
We are imperfect, and if we believe Jesus is Lord, giving our lives
to Him, then we are forgiven of that imperfection.

I also recognize the group that Jesus couldn't stand was the
religiously self-righteous--Pharisees & Saducees. Many "Christians"
would fall in that category today too. I often must check my own
heart, words, and thinking.

What saddens me most about your decision not to follow Christ is that
it seems your decision was made based off of the ways that man failed.
I have come to learn that if I base my faith on man, I will hate it.
But no matter what man may do to me, no matter what Christians may do
to me, I will follow Christ because I am His and because he is TRUE.

I hate that we, Christians, are imperfect and do not represent our
Lord well most of the time. I apologize to you for that. Christ is
good, we are not. Not without Him.

I also believe that the Bible does say that some things are wrong.
Utterly and plainly wrong. And Jesus gave us a good balance to help
us obey the Lord. To love the Lord our God, and to love our neighbor
as ourselves. For against such things there is no law. In fact, the
law is fulfilled if we live with those two rules governing our hearts.

Well, all this to say...I'm emailing you in some hesitation, just
because this email address is my personal address. But I felt such a
stir in me when I read your site.

Please email me your thoughts!"

So here it is. 4:45pm. Just got off work, hungry, and hoping to find a seamstress to hem my new work pants that I got from the Tall Girl store last weekend. I pull out the business card, turn it over, and slowly dial the number on back. "Hello?" I drill the lady about her professionalism in hemming (like I know anything about hemming) and, finally convinced, let her know I'll be over at her place in 10 minutes. I put on my pants, put some sweats in my purse, slip on my heels and a heavy jacket, and head out the door--I definitely do NOT match.

5:00pm. I arrive at her house. Bear comes up to the door and jumps on my legs when the door opens--he is a sweet, though ugly, poodle (I don't like poodles). I enter the humble house that has bears in every nook and cranny.

An older lady answers the door, and I hear a man's voice in the background yelling "Bear! Get off of her!" I look and see an older man reclining in a chair, the news on Fox.

For the next 45 minutes, after the lady has measured my pants, I've changed, and am ready to go for an hour before she's finished, the man (John) talks my ear off. He says he's taken by me. He's about 40 years older. But I come to find out he means it in a friendly way--he is the pastor of a Church of God church in town.

I'm ready to head out the door to wait at the coffee shop until the lady finishes, and before I leave, John calls out, "Would you like to go to dinner with us when you get back?" I don't know what to say (because I really haven't eaten yet and I'm starving), so I say "sure."

I leave, come back at 6:15pm, retrieve my pants (which look GREAT), and we head off to Diggers, the infamous Brush trucker restaurant. I don't get home until 9:15pm. We ate, talked, and talked some more. We talked about the Lord, and I was again reminded about how very little I know about the Bible. He had a few points that were highly interesting to me, and I am going to study up on in the Bible.

As we were finally leaving the restaurant, his wife gave me a hug, and John called out again, "You know, this was the Lord's plan that we met you."

I drove away praising the Lord, and somewhat mystified.

I am a hypocrite.

In his graciousness, the Lord has been convicting me of a sin of mine that affects my relationships around me. In my pride, I am quick to judge. Quick to judge--and it's not people who aren't Christians that I judge rashly, but people who are Christians. I am quick to judge others in their walks with the Lord. And slow to judge my own hypocriticism. I want to be a woman who is slow to anger, slow to speak, quick to speak lovely not ugly.

But I am learning the truth of what the Lord asks of his people. That we walk in the love of Christ. The 2nd greatest commandment is to "love our neighbors as ourselves." And the Bible says that the world "will know us by our love for each other." We should be able to know ourselves too, by the love we have for each other.

Forgive me, because if you are reading this, I'm sure I have judged you before, whether or not I have said anything about it. And an online apology is foolish, but I really am learning how my words breed death when I judge according to my ideas and not righteous judgment as the Lord judges.

My desire is to honor the Lord and to SHOW the love of Christ that I "preach" but often don't "practice"--forgiveness and love. How do you forgive a friend or family member, a CHRISTIAN friend or family member, who disappoints you or sins against you? We can expect that the people who don't know Christ will sin and hurt us, but what about when it happens from a Christian? It's even harder to extend forgiveness. And I don't mean just when that person ASKS you for forgiveness, I mean when it is unbidden or sought after. Which is bitterly ironic because, of all people, we should be the ones who remember just how much the Lord forgave us, even in the face of death. He forgave Peter, his brother, for abandoning him. And he forgave those who killed him, me who killed him.

I am so thankful to the Father for Jesus Christ, my Lord.

A change on election day

So, it's happened. Some Republican's worst fear. The Democrats rule the House, and the Senate is still up. What does it mean?

A year ago, even a few months ago, I would have been scared spitless. Though I don't agree 100% with either party, I agree with the Republican party on bigger moral issues. And now, the Democrats have taken over. I hope that during the Presidential Election in a few years another Republican is voted into Office. That's what I hope and pray.

But what if it doesn't happen? What if this country continues to trapse down the worldly path of radical liberalism and extreme tolerance? One day in the future, whether sooner or later, America will predominantly be a nation of tolerance--of all acts, habits, customs, religions, views, etc. Except, most likely, of Christianity. Recall to yourself that the name of Jesus Christ is offensive.

Are you afraid? Does your hope rest in the government? Does it rest in the idea that "the majority of people will vote what is best for the majority?" Does it rest in your own political beliefs/worldview/religious ideas? Of course, to some degree, our hope rests in SOMETHING. But if your hope rests in "America," I believe you are going to be disappointed quickly, if not already. If your hope rests in the U.N., you're going to be disappointed. If your hope rests in Taiwan, or South Korea, or Mexico, you're going to be disappointed.

Do you get it? If you are a Christian reading my blog, HAVE NO FEAR. What is happening around us is EXACTLY what is going to happen. IS happening. We are not called of this world but of the Lord Jesus Christ, to be his witnesses to a degraded, tolerant nation, and to a radical, zealous world. Called to love the people who agree with us AND the people who voted against us.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud to be an American. At least, at this point I am. I'm not proud of many things that the American government (which IS elected by the people) has done (and thus I am not proud of many things that the American people have done), but there may come a day when all is stripped away. What am I then? If my faith is shaken now, when life is still easy in America, what will it be like when the real tribulation comes? God is our ROCK! He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob! He is LORD of all...and as He says COUNTLESS times over, "Do not fear, for I am with you." Jesus has overcome the world.

"Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a "fool" so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight." Our wisdom must be from the Lord, and thus, Biblically-based.

A few rambling thoughts

1. I dropped my mom at the airport about 2 hours ago--we had a great weekend. A lot of talking, walking, and shopping! Whoohoo. Seriously, I have discovered that your parents went through hard things when you're little that you didn't even know about. I asked my mom all about her early marriage years and early kids years--a time that I don't remember because I was too young. It was an amazing testimony the things her and my dad went through and stayed faithful to each other through. After we talked about it and about my dad for a while, my mom kind of giggled (which my mom does NOT giggle) and she said she wanted to call my dad. It was cute. :) They talked for a while. They've been married for 22 years. That is incredible. Dang...that's a long time!

2. The ride home (to Brush) was beautiful, but I felt "lonelier" than I have yet felt during my entire stay. Seriously, for about an hour and a half, I did not want to face another month and a half of being away. I didn't think I could. Of course, I have to...no choice in the matter. But thankfully I got back to my apartment, balanced my checkbook, took a hot bubblebath, and read for a while. I can only make it with Christ. There's so much to look forward to in tomorrow.

3. I miss my friends and family, I really do. But honestly there's just one person it's hard to live without, even though I've done it for the last 22 years. Man, yeah, I'm a cheeseball all melty and gooey over him! And it just gets worse/stronger each day. (I don't even know if you [the reader] want to hear about it, but this is MY blog so I can write about what I want to! Read on only if you can handle mushyness) I could live a year without seeing my family or friends in person and be okay (not necessarily happy about it, but okay), but I never want to live a year without him. I know, I know, "it's building character." And yes, it is. But can't I be girly, or feminine, or HUMAN and not want to be without him? I know I can make it without him (because I am) but I no longer want to. Yes, that is the truth of the matter...in a blogged-out sort of way.

4. I love my job here. I love working with kids. And quite possibly, future-speaking, I may love working with special needs children. I want to be used of the Lord in this little town in this short time I am here.

5. I'm drinking cold milk and wearing a new pair of navy blue sweats that I bought at the Tall Girl store in Denver. Julz--you would like this store. Wait...No. You would LOVE it.