Home has a new meaning for me

I have come to understand what "home" is really about in a new way. Not just since I've been gone, but also since things change.

Home has nothing to do with location. It's not Seattle, or Kirkland, or Brush, or even Yakima.It has everything to do with people. It is the people who make us either feel welcome or not. Feel safe or not. Feel loved or not.

Right now, as I type, I am sitting in my parent's house, but I am right at home. These people welcome, provide a sense of safety, and extend unconditional love. Just like we're supposed to.

I've been surprised, lately, that Christian love can seem to have so many faces. However. It only has one face. And that is the face of Jesus.

I guess I'm not really home even here. Home is face-to-face, heart-to-heart, with my Savior. I want nothing less.

Crazy story, crazier lawyer

I don't see anything wrong with being a lawyer. In fact, there is much appeal to me in this field. However, I'll leave the political/judicial branch to my more skilled friends (two come to mind).

It just kills me, however, how some lawyers do not seem to have any ethics or morals at all. I was reading the news and came across this horrific story of a disgusting serial murderer. And his defense attorney claims that this man is innocent. How could this attorney live with him/herself? I don't know. Praise God that He is judge and not me.

Bunko night!

Currently, I once again am snowed into my apartment. I woke up to find over 5 new inches of snow on my front walkway. So I'm eating Lays chips with zesty guacamole dip, and pondering the events from the previous night. Yes, it's true, I played Bunko.

You may have never heard of this game, but there is NO skill involved. Anybody can play, as long as you bring a $5 bill, a $1 bill, and have arms with which to roll dice.

The game itself was, well, okay. Personally, I usually love games, but this game involves NO skill, as I said before. I like games of skill. Where you either excel or fail. In Bunko, you do neither. You are either "lucky" or not. I was not lucky last night.

But it was not the game that I wish to describe to you, it was the company.

I played with 11 women between the ages of 30 and 50. All were married, except for one (and I assumed she was either widowed or divorced). All had children except for one. And...all got extremely intoxicated.

Perhaps, I have not felt more out of place in my life.

Middle-aged drunk women talk primarly about three things, with profanities thrown everywhere.
1. Sex (and ALL that that entails)
2. Children
3. Sex

I don't even know how many dirty jokes I heard. AAAHHH!

It was an interesting night. I wouldn't call it fun, but I learned something about those women that, I'm sure had they been sober, they would never have talked about. I was saddened and realize that these women do not hope in anything but themselves--how they relate to their husbands, how they raise their children, how they work--it's all on them.

Competition

Do you ever feel like sometimes we seem to compete with others to see who can "prove," through works, the person who is most obviously righteous?

Does your hope rest in what you do, blessings in your life, joy, how you feel?

Or does it rest in God Almighty? Not in his blessings, not in his joy, not in his strength, but in HIM? (summarized in my own words from Oswald Chambers' entry from Jan. 19)

A life changed by the power of Christ SHOULD have works that show our faith. But if we ever start competing to feel the most righteous, we have missed the point. Nothing we do makes us righteous. It is ONLY through Christ that we are made righteous.

Pregnancy and babies

This has nothing to do with my current life situation.

However, I don't know where or when or why, but the beauty of babies has been born in my brain! :)

I just ended an hour-and-a-half conversation with my best friend growing up, Mal-bear. It was wonderful. I really want to move back to Yakima now!

But besides the fact that we can always pick up right where we left off...she is pregnant with her second child! She is about 15 weeks along, and will find out the sex of her baby in another 3 weeks. We talked babies (though I am mostly naive) for half the conversation--and I loved it.

How beautiful. This is the 2nd friend of mine who is pregnant.

What a gloriously beautiful thing. I can't stop saying it. It's beautiful. The miracle of a new human life developing inside of a woman's body after 2 cells merged together. A human life who needs the love of Jesus. Wow. Children ARE a gift.

Though I'm perfectly content with NOT being married and a mother right now, the joy of such things, particularly motherhood, is developing (heh) in my heart. I have no idea how long it will be until this dream comes to fruition (if God is willing), but I am excited for the day to come when it does. What more of a Godly calling then to raise up a child (children) in the Lord?

Now, I may never have children. But that doesn't mean I can't raise up people in the Lord. That is what I'm MADE to do.

My day

So I got up today, just like every other day, and got ready for work.

Annoyingly, the ice-scraper that AVIS (the place my car is rented from) left me with a really WONDERFUL ice-scraper. It's more like an ice-teaser. So I froze my tooshie off trying desperately to shave off a few strips of ice. That settled, I drove to work. The middle school was my tromping ground today.

You know what's funny? In a weird way, I LIKE adversity. I ENJOY when things don't go perfectly and I have to problem-solve in order to come to decisions. Work was stressful in that sense. A teacher quit, so we had to re-arrange groups, only to find out that this teacher had not been properly implementing Lblp. SO. In comes the principal. Had to deal with it. Whew.

As I sped down the road on my way to kickboxing after work, I thought, "Strangely, I enjoyed this day of difficulty." The hours flew by (as this entire week has), I didn't think even ONCE about the other stresses in life, and...I solved problems! Maybe that's why it felt so good. The problems were solved, taken care of. I felt needed, though the thought of being inadequate did creep in, and overall it was an enjoyable day. I handled potential volatile situations well. All glory to God, for giving me the strength and ability to do so. I pray the future days result so well.

PLUS. I was able to work with the COOLEST kid. He is one of my favorites. In regular class, I hear that he is a terror behaviorally. But one-on-one or in small settings, he is so SWEET. I like him a lot. :) So those are some of my closing thoughts to my Wednesday. Hope you had a good one.

What I hate. Yes, hate.

I don't usually use the word hate, but there are a few things that I genuinely hate, detest, abhor.

1. Satan and evil (obviously)
2. Lying (It's a trap of the enemy and leads to death)
3. Fakeness (Another form of lying, just more deceptive)

Right now, I'm really hating fakeness. Don't be fake with me. I won't be with you. Even if I'm confused, at least I won't be fake! Hehe.

Other than that, however, there is nothing else I can say that I hate. Thankfully!

Be innocent about what is evil, cling to what is good.

I love wind!

Currently, snow is falling outside, but the wind stirs the trees and disrupts the natural course of the falling flakes.

I love the wind, I must say.
Honestly, it used to annoy me the most. In Yakima, during spring, it is extremely windy. Not breezy. Windy. And it makes you cold; it gets right through your warm jacket into your bones.

But in the summer when I like to sunbathe outside, laying on my towel under the hot sun, I am completely aware of all the little things. My eyes are closed, but I see so much. The sound of my dogs running around and panting. The sound of birds chirping in the trees. Lawnmowers raging in the distance. Laughter from the neighborhood kids bubbling up. And I wait. The breeze comes. Just slightly. I would never notice it if I wasn't quiet, waiting. I feel it tickle the little hairs on my arms and legs, lift a few tendrils of my hair. Gently it cools my skin. First it is there, and then it moves on. If I open my eyes, green blades of grass hit my vision, and they too wave in the breeze. First that one, then this one. And then it's upon me. Now it's in the trees overhead, rustling the leaves. Without a hint of its destination, it moves on, causing effects.

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit" (John 3.5-8).

Now, even if the wind makes me cold and causes my teeth to chatter, I have a respect and awe for it. It is one of the most mysterious, explained phenomena, in my opinion. Though there are a few negative comparisons (do not be blown back and forth in belief, etc.), I like it still. And the fact that Jesus drew a comparison between wind and the Spirit?...I love it even more. Even on cold, windy days like today. Perhaps especially.

Something's wrong with my face...

It's true.

I woke up this morning, stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower, and looked in the mirror.

The hair was crazy, but that's usual. I needed to brush the teeth, but that's usual too. However, I took out my contact case so I could put in my eyes, when all of a sudden, "WHOA!" I said out loud.

My right eye is swollen and a light purple color. Not expecting that.

You know, the eye is a very sensitive area, and even a little bang to the eye can cause inflamation!

So, I stayed home instead of going to church. I cleaned my apartment, which was a must. However, something in me laughs and cringes at my own vanity! I was embarassed because my eye was so slanted and weird looking. Not just purple.

That's my story for the day. I hope you're entertained. I was. :)

How does He know?

That's a silly question, isn't it?

Funny, but last night after I vented my frustrations to my personal blog (ridiculous that I even use it as a source), I received a call from a much-loved brother and then, immediately upon hanging up with him, received a call from the rest of my much loved family.

It was just the encouragement I needed.

I am a fighter. I always have been and will be. For me, sometimes all it takes to wake that fighting spirit in me again is the sound of a loved one's voice.

I did find out today that I will be in Colorado until the end of May. May 25, to be exact. I will be home to move my stuff in 2 weeks, and then the only way I'll be back is to visit.

But to all my lovely blog readers, I hope I didn't freak you all out too much. :) Hehe. I like shock-effects too, every once in a while.

For real though, someday it will be glorious to be a mother. And I mean that in all brutal, agonizing honesty, for that is what motherhood is (I'm sure)--brutal, agonizing, and somehow--glorious.

My dreams

I think this is one of the first days of my life that my dreams have felt shattered, absolutely shattered.

Honestly, the thought crossed my mind that I wish I was pregnant.

Probably caught you off guard on that one, eh? Hehe. (Don't worry, friends or parents, I'm simply trying to illustrate a point here). I don't mean that I want to dishonor the Lord or myself, but that I want somebody to care for and love, someone ELSE to live for--who would actually need me. Not somebody who THOUGHT they needed me, but who really would. Need and WANT me, Ashley. As a single person, everything I do seems to center around me. But what ridiculous and selfish reasons for wanting to bring a child into this world.

I'm mad that I'm paying rent at a place I don't live, that it's just a monetary figure. I'm mad that I can't fulfill the desires of some people whom I love. And I fear that I don't even meet those people's desires. I might meet a need, but not because of WHO I am. At least that's what I fear.

I'm angry that I love working with students but my company is killing me by not letting me know where I'm going to be in 2 weeks! It's not like I have people at home that I love and care about. It's not like stability in a church is important. It's not like I need people HERE to pray for me, and care about me in return! It's not like the address on my checks is out of date because I don't have a permanent residence. I don't even know where best to send my bills. Should I move back home and get my M.I.T. at Heritage College...? And all in all, I'm angry about the fact that I could quit my job, but it's not like that is the easiest change to make. It's in my grasp to change all of this. In all truth, I hardly trust anybody right now, except probably my mom and dad. And at the same time, occassionally we can't talk to ANYbody about some things.

And all of this I just needed to vent. I really do trust the Lord. I love Him. If you didn't know, He's been asking a lot more of me lately than I thought I could give, or that I even thought I had inside of me TO give.

Grrrrrr....it's all "I, I, I."

The strength it takes...

What strength it takes to make a decision.

I've had to tell myself many times--flee temptation.

And I take those words to heart, not just metaphorically, but literally. Flee.

According to dictionary.com, the first definition of flee means "to run away, as from danger or pursuers; take flight." It is a verb...a grammatical particle that necessitates ACTION. Literally, get up and run away. Literally, wrench the thoughts from danger and into truth. "Take captive every thought."

We are in a battle, a battle between our flesh and the Spirit (Romans 7 & 8).

A battle is a matter of endurance, of perserverance. If we EVER give up, throw the towel in, we have succumbed to loss and allowed the enemy victory. Allowed. The enemy can never take it, we give it. I will NOT give it.

If you say you are giving it your "all" in the choice of "all or nothing," then it is final. Done. Finished. "All" never stops--it's like saying vows to your spouse BEFORE GOD--"No matter what comes, I will not forsake you." As simple as that. The daily choices are difficult, but the condition of the heart in saying, "Lord, I gave you my all, and that means it was finished then and today and tomorrow," is the crucial factor. All. Or nothing. If you make the choice, don't even dare to make it half-heartedly. Steel yourself, and solidify it. That's why covenants are sealed in blood. Our covenant with the Lord was sealed in Jesus' blood. That's why the covenant between husband and wife is sealed in blood. It. Is. All. That's why we are told to count the cost before we say, "Yes, I'll take up my cross and follow you, Lord." All.

Not what you think

I am lonely. But not in the sense of how you might imagine it. Not lonely in the sense of I am here in Brush again by myself. In fact, now could not be a more perfect time for me to be away. I am thankful for it. So thankful. I kicked butt in kick-boxing today because it is a way for me to deal. I imagined myself (through the power of God) kicking Satan's a**. Yes, it's true. He is defeated and he is going down. There is no way I am standing by any more and allowing him to win little victories in my life or in the lives of those around me. Not as much as it is in my ability to pray and intercede.

And yet, I was 100% convicted and simultaneously encouraged last night. The next few months or years (or hopefully, the rest of my life), you might start getting annoyed by how much I am going to be clinging to Scripture as my refuge, but it is just that. My refuge. Like never before.

"Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion. We can continually pour out our hearts to Him without being perceived as overly emotional or pitiful. The Christian who is truly intimate with Jesus will never draw attention to himself but will only show the evidence of a life where Jesus is completely in control. This is the outcome of allowing Jesus to satisfy every area of life to its depth. The picture resulting from such a life is that of the strong, calm balance that our Lord gives to those who are intimate with Him."

The previous was written by good ol' Ozzie (i.e O.Chambers).

I fear that I don't fit that mold. Alas, I strive for it day in and day out, whether or not it's a good or a bad day. "For he has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self discipline" (2 Tim 1.7).

I WILL NOT WALK IN TIMIDITY! I have been given power, love, and the ability to walk in holiness every day of my life. I have a Helper who has come alongside of me. No, it's not a wife. It's the Holy Spirit (though the connotation for both [Holy Spirit and "helpmeet for Adam"] is the same). Thank you, Jesus.

Entering another season

No, spring is not coming super early this year. It is still the dead of winter. Though the days are getting longer...and the sun shines its beautiful face frequently here in Colorado.

But a new season of my life started 2 days ago. Usually I understand the seasons as they arise in my life, but this season has me completely mystified. I do not know what is in store, though one thing I DO know is that I am setting my heart and eyes on what is above. Something has changed in me. I don't know what exactly, but I can feel it. Perhaps I can try to put it to words. I now fully, or at least more fully than ever before, recognize the dire necessity of Jesus Christ on this earth, and more specifically, in my life.

It's not that I had turned from the Lord, it was that I was not doing anything in the Lord. Almost worse. Reality opened my eyes, or rather the Holy Spirit did, to the spiritual battle around me. And to just what "unconditional love" really means.

I didn't get "saved" again. I already am saved. But I am so thankful that we can have "God moments," if you will, after we're saved. We can see the light again, in profound times of meeting with our Comforter.

"Walk in the Spirit and you shall not fulfill the desires of the flesh."

This new season, I'm afraid, will be a very alone one. But very good, if I remain faithful. I will trust the Lord. Not, I want to. I will.

I can't seem to do it.

I can't seem to do it sometimes. That is, forgive myself.

Personally, when I mess up, I want to have to pay for my sins. Feel guilty, punish myself by not indulging in something I enjoy, etc.

But I was reading last night and need to share:

"Therefore, when Christ came in to the world, he said:
"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but a body you prepared for me; with burnt offerings and sin offerings you were not pleased.
Then I said, 'Here I am--it is written about me in the scroll--I have come to do your will, O God.'"

First he said 'Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them' (although the law required them to be made). Then he said, 'Here I am, I have come to do your will.'
He sets aside the first to establish the second. And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. [...] because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."
(Hebrews 10.5-10,14)

That says it all. The beauty of it is that Jesus didn't just atone for sins. He REMOVED them. My sins are not just covered, as they were temporarily under the old covenant, but they are GONE. As though they didn't exist. And in the eyes of God, they DON'T exist BECAUSE of the blood of Jesus Christ that I profess and in which I believe.

"[...] let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10.22-23)

Some thoughts this new year

My dad has been explaining to me a process of thinking that they teach at the hospital where he works. It is simply a positive way of thinking and of making goals become reality. This time of year, we all usually start thinking of those "new year's resolutions," but here is a different approach. A little more positive and realistic theory that should apply ALL year long!

Essentially, rather than simply saying "I want ... [fill in the blank]" we should envision ourself actually having already achieved. For example, rather than me saying, "I want to be walking in the Holy Spirit and knowledgeable of the Word of God," I should envision myself as such: "I am walking in the Holy Spirit and knowing the Scriptures." The difference between the two is, in the first description, the "I want," the wanting gives us an excuse not to. However, envisioning it as already true creates a tension that leads to action. If I envision myself as walking in the Spirit, but the reality of my life is not up to par, then this difference creates a ripple of tension or discontent because I am not taking the action to achieve my already envisioned goal.

Does that make sense? If not, I understand. It took my dad a little bit of explaining before I finally understood what he was really talking about.

And we can apply this kind of thinking to all areas of our lives. Spiritually, relationally, physically, financially, etc.

So here are a few goals I envision of myself:

1. I am walking in the Holy Spirit and knowledgeable of the Bible.
2. I am exercising regularly and eating healthy.
3. I am maintaining healthy relationships with my family and friends.
4. I am saving 3 months' worth of bills in my savings account for emergencies.
5. I am engaging in a LIVING relationship of prayer and worship with Jesus Christ.
6. I am honest in all things, no matter the cost.
7. I am saving money to make a down payment on a house.

I'm sure there will be more, but that's all I can think of.

Did you know that those who have been forgiven much, love much? I have been forgiven much.