My dreams
I think this is one of the first days of my life that my dreams have felt shattered, absolutely shattered.
Honestly, the thought crossed my mind that I wish I was pregnant.
Probably caught you off guard on that one, eh? Hehe. (Don't worry, friends or parents, I'm simply trying to illustrate a point here). I don't mean that I want to dishonor the Lord or myself, but that I want somebody to care for and love, someone ELSE to live for--who would actually need me. Not somebody who THOUGHT they needed me, but who really would. Need and WANT me, Ashley. As a single person, everything I do seems to center around me. But what ridiculous and selfish reasons for wanting to bring a child into this world.
I'm mad that I'm paying rent at a place I don't live, that it's just a monetary figure. I'm mad that I can't fulfill the desires of some people whom I love. And I fear that I don't even meet those people's desires. I might meet a need, but not because of WHO I am. At least that's what I fear.
I'm angry that I love working with students but my company is killing me by not letting me know where I'm going to be in 2 weeks! It's not like I have people at home that I love and care about. It's not like stability in a church is important. It's not like I need people HERE to pray for me, and care about me in return! It's not like the address on my checks is out of date because I don't have a permanent residence. I don't even know where best to send my bills. Should I move back home and get my M.I.T. at Heritage College...? And all in all, I'm angry about the fact that I could quit my job, but it's not like that is the easiest change to make. It's in my grasp to change all of this. In all truth, I hardly trust anybody right now, except probably my mom and dad. And at the same time, occassionally we can't talk to ANYbody about some things.
And all of this I just needed to vent. I really do trust the Lord. I love Him. If you didn't know, He's been asking a lot more of me lately than I thought I could give, or that I even thought I had inside of me TO give.
Grrrrrr....it's all "I, I, I."
posted by Ash at 5:31 PM
1 Comments:
I am going to be the one who says, "I,I, I" now. I wish that I could share this with you and know what's going on before the internet and all who can access it can know. I just hope that you have someone you are talking to about this if it is not me, but maybe I am selfish. I am here to discuss anything and everything whenever you like, if only you will tell me. Life is a confusing predicament. I think that's why God asks us to trust Him with everything. Easier said than done. I love you.
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