Starting up again

Hello friends - to those who may still pop over to my blog just in case I've written. It's been quite some time. But after reading several friends' blogs, I've been inspired to write again. At least for now.

So much has happened in my life this last year. As most all of you know, I am now married. We are buying our first house (will post pics once we move in, closing date is September 15)! We saved a cute gray kitten whom my husband named MRSA (look it up in a medical dictionary if you don't know what it is), and whom I call Monkey (I can explain). I am planning to start school again FINALLY to obtain my teacher's certificate. It will take a few years, which is frustrating, but I WANT it so badly that I'm going to do it. And lastly the Lord has done great GREAT things in me and my husband. Miracles. I can hardly begin to say what a mighty God we serve.

Thoughtful ramblings

I had a most incredible time of insight into the book of Hebrews last night. If you're interested in reading the humble ramblings of a white, idealist woman, then please continue reading. If not, stop before you're bored. For those who dare to continue reading, I must then know your thoughts.

It happened while reading Hebrews 10. I won't bother you by writing out the chapter, but I'd recommend reading it later. Chapters 8, 9, and 10 talk about how Christ became our high priest. You probably already know this, but here's stating the facts: In Jewish practice, the high priest offered yearly sacrifices for the sins of people. In Christian belief, Christ became our offering and was sacrificed once for all. Yes, many Christians already know this. But here was my insight: We no longer have to continue making offerings for our sins like they did in the olden days because we really are saved when we confess Jesus as Lord and Savior! Wow - you might say, DUH! But whoa, it really began to sink in for me after reading these few chapters. Simple as that. "...because by one sarifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy" (10:14). Later in chapter 10, the author goes on to describe how we musn't waver in our confidence. Some have translated that to mean not to doubt in Christ. I think the emphasis may be misplaced; I believe that the author means not to doubt in the fact that Christ's sacrifice was ONCE and for all.

I still sin. I find myself an imperfect woman. As a result, I struggle in receiving forgiveness - feeling as though I crucify Christ over and over again - but the Bible says it is impossible to do that (9.25-28)!!! That is what makes the idea of Christ as the sacrificial lamb stand out from the typical yearly offerings made by the high priests in Judaism. He made ONE offering: himself. And that one offering covered the span of all my sins. Oh. My. Word. Praise God.

2. My second revelation was different, and yet all wrapped up in the same context of Hebrews 10. Recently I read a book on personality types, trying to figure out how I am so different, how I can better relate to my soon-to-be-husband, and what personality "classes" means. The book said it: I am a Blue, an idealist. Essentially, hehe, I hope. Everything in my life comes down to the belief of hope. No situation is too dismal, no circumstance too impossible, no person too far removed. Interesting enough, the book goes on to say that a Blue person is "out of esteem" (or gets depressed/down) when his/her sense of hope is extinguished or extensively crushed.

That's true for me. I HAVE to hope. It is imperative to the life inside me.

Now, with that said. The Lord showed me something about hope. A challenge. I've always said that "hope" is my favorite thing, because without hope the world would be a bleak and dismal place. And yes, that is true. Last night, however, I was challenged to do something I'm not so good at. Faith.

Hope is easy for me. It's easy because it's something about which I can always say: "I'm not sure if it will happen, but I hope it will."

Faith is hard for me. It's hard because it's saying, "I don't just hope for it, I know it." Like: I don't just hope Christ saved me, I faith it. I know it. It's not just that mountain could move, or might move. It will - it did.

What he challenged me to have faith in is this statement: "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). He challenged me to believe it. Not just in my life, but in the lives of Christians around me - my Christian family and friends, Christians in my city, state, country, world - those who struggle with the burdens and temptations (even sins) of this world, but who ultimately have been perfected by the High Priest who sacrificed once for all. He will carry it on to completion...

Having received this truth, this knowledge of truth, I was also reminded of how imperative it is to apply that knowledge. "If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of truth, no sacrifice for sins is left..." (Hebrews 10.26). What a scary thought: no sacrifice for sins is left. Christ really is the One and only sacrifice for sins. He nullified the old covenant requirements (sacrificing yearly offerings for sins) but reinstated a fulfilled, new covenant: Himself, as mediator and atoner. He is the One.

8 Grandiose things divided by 2

I compiled a list in my head. A very important list. 8 Things. Divided in half.

Four things I love.

Four things I hate.

Hate:
1. Pornography--it's addicting, akin to adultery, and it makes me want to throw-up.
2. Celebration of death--(i.e. horror movies, etc.)--why try to make death glorious?
3. Lying/hypocrisy--it steals away any sense of truth--for you and for others.
4. Loneliness--we are not created to be lonely.

Love:
1. Birth--the most incredibly miracle on earth!
2. Home--it's where we all hope to be: today, tomorrow, and when we die.
3. Self-control--exemplifies the fact that we all have the power within ourselves to make choices.
4. Healthy, fresh roses--the most intoxicating flower fragrance on earth.

Oh the joy of returning to the blogging world after hiding my face from it for so long!!! I hope my old readers still check back every once in a while...

I was listening to a song...

...in my car recently. It's a worship song that, literally, never fails to touch my heart. I think it's because it so purely and reverently comes back to the cry of my heart and life. The chorus goes like this:

"Praise the name of Jesus.
Praise the name of Jesus.
He's my rock.
He's my fortress.
He's my deliverer.
In Him, will I trust.
So praise the name of Jesus."

And though I love that chorus, my heart lifting inside my chest, hands almost impulsively reaching into the air, in the version that I listen to the main speaker interjects with a powerful declaration as the music changes keys. The result is an even tighter constriction on my heart and tears that steal to my eyes. The singer reminds me:

"The most powerful name: Jesus."

And then the choir sways back into the chorus a key-change higher.

It is an utterly simple song of unabashed praise to Jesus. Whether or not I am in the pit of despair or soaring in the sunshine, this song never fails to remind me of this incredible Lord that I serve. Jesus.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

This little pig.

:)

I'm home again! YAY!! It is wonderful to be moved back in with my roommates, and I almost feel like I never even left. Oh the irony.

But then I think back to the many long, silent nights where I was entertained by one of several things: dvd's, phone conversations, worship, cooking, reading, or...well...that's about it. And then I remember what I went through before being home again, home again, and everything is once again "jiggety jig."

Work is swell. I jumped right back into things. Still haven't recovered from lack of sleep. But somehow I'm awake and thriving. Probably all of the adrenaline from being back home.

Also, fyi: things are much better concerning my faith. I have walked through the valley and survived. Still pressing on toward holiness. Many questions remain unanswered, but then I didn't expect them to be answered wholly. That'll happen eventually. I just know that, for some reason, this awesome God I serve actually loves me--the sick, sinful, blackened Ashley. And he doesn't just love me, "the King is enthralled with [my] beauty"--and yours too. Sometimes, you just have to battle the lies in the mind and defeat it with the truth of Christ and Scripture. He's set us free SO THAT we might be FREE INDEED. Hallelu.

Waiting waiting, still waiting...

I've packed my boxes, (still need to clean), and had to throw away some food (which I hate doing) ALL because I am coming home!!! WHOO HOO!! I can't believe it. I mean seriously, I feel like it was just yesterday that I had dropped off my roomie at the airport at DIA (Denver International Airport) and began the laborious 1.5 hour drive from Denver to Brush--my teeth chattering, my nerves afray, and every pore crying out to God that He would have mercy on little ol' me.

And He did.

Through the thick of nights through which I didn't think I could make it alone, I survived.

Through the slime of loneliness, I survived.

Through the joy of living on my own, I survived. And I was safe--that in itself is testimony. I was never in harm's way (that I knew of) but enjoyed safety as a single woman traversing a few wild cities by myself.

P.S. And lastly, I lay in bed last night with the biggest grin on my face and in my heart. I love my boyfriend. Many people are happy for the future I have with this man, but some revel in the surety of my youth. But I am so happy with him. Not just happy, but ready and willing to be married. I am young, yes--but not as young as I could be--23 is a happy age. I am oh so excited, oh so BLESSEDLY assured that God is and will be pleased, and oh so content in my heart of hearts. I was smiling. I am smiling. God is good, and He has blessed me with an incredible man of God. I don't intend to lose him.

And then...

So my journey is tough.

I wrote the psalm below early today, and then I embarked on a grand journey outside at the park. Nobody was around, the sun shone brilliantly on my white skin, and the storm clouds raced in in the distance.

I am battling. The shofar blew.

My faith is dwindling. Catch it, Jesus. Catch me.

An incredibly important thing that I learned in my talk/prayertime/cry to God in the park was...

My lack of faith resides in the fact that, slowly, my thirst for God has been drying up. My hunger for His Word: fading. It didn't happen all at once, but slowly. So slowly that I have been walking around a lame, starving woman for long enough that I didn't even realize it until my life began to hold no joy. Because my thirst and hunger were dying, I didn't even FEEL like I needed Him. Instead, anger and bitterness, jealousy and rage, began to take the places of sweetness, joy, and patience in my heart.

I don't like that person I have been slowly becoming.

So the shofar blew. The war of decision waged in my mind. Would I choose to remain obedient, or act out in my starvation by filling it with what my flesh wants in my own timing? Would I choose to confess Jesus as Lord of my life? As Lord?

Would the delude of doubt flooding through my thoughts and infecting my words break forth and dominate me? Would I look back and be turned into a pillar of salt? A pillar of nothing but dust, with no depth or shape or meaning?

I cried out. Instead of continuing to hold back the emotions, the pain, the frustration, I let them free in speaking with God. I was real with Him. Aren't we supposed to be?

And when I was finished, all of my strength was gone. Nothing left. Just a lone woman, sitting on a blanket in an empty park, with my knees pulled up and arms wrapped around them, hair blowing in the wind--vulnerable, weak, empty. But so desperately hoping. WANTING Him to ride in and deliver me. O God, SAVE ME.

So I surrendered my life. I confessed it again. In faith--believing without seeing. I have several Scripture verses memorized, so I spoke some of them aloud, to the wind, to God who inclines His ear to me, believing that if He said it, He will do it: "Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you." So I made every effort to draw near to Him, coming just as I am, and believed he would likewise fulfill His end of that Scripture.

I did not have, what I like to call, a "see-the-light" moment where I was overcome by the presence of God and KNEW He was there. Instead, I asked for Him to begin to show me about Himself. About his peace, about his grace, about his love. That He is loving. And that I am His beloved. As my boyfriend loves me...well...God loves me more. As my parents love me, God loves me more.

And thus, here I sit writing you the story of my day. The journey of my day. I'm exhausted. Things aren't perfect now, but in confessing out loud that: "I WILL be faithful to God, in whom resides my hope for salvation through His risen Son Jesus Christ," I am better. I must not allow my hunger and thirst for Him to dry up. Because if it does, then that's all that will be left: a dry, barren wasteland. But I, Ashley, am not created to be a dry, barren wasteland. I'm created to be filled to the overflowing with life. To radiate the Son. To radiate warmth, hope, joy, and love--life that is not just around me, but INSIDE me.

My psalm

Sometimes a psalm is the only thing I'm capable of producing to express the deepest experiences of my life. This is a glimpse of my cry right now.

Tired of guilt
Tired of pain
Where are You?
O God, where are you?

Incline your ear to me and meet me
For I am drying up.

A wretched maid am I
My soul twists and burns within me.
Deliver me. As deep cries out to deep,
Deliver me!

My spirit is weak. My spirit is WEAK.
But O Lord you are my strength,
My portion forever.
Do not hide Yourself from me for long.

Please God, incline your ear to me and meet me
For I am drying up.

I will say of the Lord: He is my strong tower.

For rivers of living water will flow from your belly.