It's finally happened...

Have you ever fallen in love with someone at first sight?

Me neither.

But today it finally happened. My heart was gone as soon as I saw her--the sweetest child I have ever seen. I can't say her name, but she is crippled by a debilitating disease that was supposed to have taken her before she was 5 years old. All I can say is that she is older than 5 right now. But I talked to the lady who is the girl's aide today at lunch, and her aide told me about this little girl who has a disease that, essentially, causes boils to form on her brain. Eventually, the boils/blisters pop and with them, part of her brain where the boil was is destroyed. Little by little her brain is deteriorating. She used to walk and talk, but now she can't walk, and her talking is very slow and slurred. Her aide told me how frustrated she was with some people because this little girl can hear fine, understand fine, and respond--it just takes a while.

After lunch was over and I finished talking with the lady who was the girl's aide, I went back to my classroom/office to get some stuff together before I went to my next school.

To my surprise, and soon to my delight, the aide wheeled in the little girl and another girl with Down's Syndrome to say 'hello' to me. My heart skipped with delight as I came over to say hi. And then it happened. I bent to say hi, stared into her big brown eyes, and she smiled small. I told her that the butterfly on her pants was pretty and she smiled. The other little girl tried to get my attention because she was wearing a pretty red ribbon on her wrist, and I commented on her ribbon. I asked the two girls if they were hungry, and I waited for the response. Slowly, but surely, she smiled and said "yes." It may have been slurred, she may not look perfect, but oh my word. She is beautiful. I lost my heart to this sweet child. Can I tell you, I wanted nothing as much as I wanted the Lord to reach down and heal this child.

Oh Lord! How it must hurt You so to see people hurting.

Frustrations! And joys!

Okay, so I finally found out when I'm going to be able to come home! YEAH! I will be driving back to Seattle on December 16-17ish (provided the weather is good, please be praying for safety). I'll be in Seattle for that week until the weekend before Christmas, when of course I will be driving home to be with family and finally see my Air Force brother for the first time since he left! I'll then return to Seattle for a few weeks (until January 2nd or 3rd) and will be back in Brush again. Until January 24th. And...Finally. I will return to my life in Kirkland, where it will mostly resume as normal (though I will come back to Brush 3 more times over the course of about 4 months, for a total of 6 more weeks).

Yes, it is insane. And you may be wondering, okay, what are the "frustrations!" you were talking about? And what are the "joys!"?

Joys
1. I see my mom in a week.
2. I see 2 of my roommates in 2 weeks.
3. It's almost Thanksgiving (and that means my friends will let me listen to Christmas music WITHOUT getting annoyed) :)
4. I'll be going home in LESS than 2 months! WHOO HOO!! (Please don't get me wrong, I love it here. I just miss y'all.)
5. My brother will be home for Christmas, and so we'll all be together for Christmas.
6. I won't be back in Brush for more than 3 weeks at a time after December. NO MONTHS!! ONLY WEEKS! YEAH! Counting down months is no fun. But I guess it's better than counting down years...or DECADES. Okay, I guess that months aren't sounding so bad now... :)

Frustrations
1. I don't get to see J until Jan. 24th, and I thought I'd be able to see him in mid-December. That's an entire MONTH longer. (Again...that month theme...)
2. Tania, I don't get to see you for, like, 10 more months (unless we visit you...)

Of course, as you can see, the joys out-weight the frustrations. And I only listed a few of the material joys. I have been seeking the joy of the Lord too, and though many times it eludes me, at other times, I actually am joyful. And really, there is no need for frustration, because the Lord is good and He is my Rock.

I so very long to be held, though. Don't you? Man. Sometimes the longing just for a hug, to be held and allowed to be weak, is so overwhelmingly painful. Especially when you're alone. And as I'm reading other friends' blogs, it is 100% possible to be alone with other people around. I warned my mom already. I said in all seriousness, "Mom, when I see you at the airport, I seriously think I might hug you forever." She just laughed...nervously.

Domination

I did it.

For the first time ever I believe that, in the words of a friend, I "dominated."

Using this word makes me feel a little anxious because I equate domination with self-power, and I don't believe that anything I do is strictly due to my own ability, but the strength and opportunities God has given me. I work to please God, not man (ideally).

But today I walked through my front door after work. I had just shaken hands with my supervisor as he left for Denver. And I smiled to myself, threw my purse on the counter, and confidently said, "I DOMINATED" to the empty room. And then I truly thanked the Lord. :) My stomach had been uptight all day, but it went well.

Really though, all of this work that I have put into my job is not to impress my boss but is to prove myself a good steward (again, ideally). Thankfully, though, and nothing to my credit but all to God, God allows his favor to rest on his people. I know with confidence that I can say I have done my best here, and will continue doing so. I hadn't realized it, however, until I heard it in my supervisor's voice (at the same time, this proves to me that I do care what man thinks (AAAHHH)). But the reason I "dominated" is because I am doing my best. And I am seeing the results.

I'm sure though, in my life, there will come a time when I will not see results. It's interesting, but I've noticed a pattern. There has not been a time when I have worked hard and NOT seen results. But I have a feeling that when it comes to me finally working on the mission field, this almost false sense of confidence is going to be shattered. Working with people isn't technical like school is, like programs are, like research is. When I studied for school, I got good grades. When I teach a program correctly, people learn. But when I deal with the reality of humanity/spirituality/etc., there are no "results" like what I'm used to. Well, at least I'm aware of this fact now.

Air Force

Pictures of my little brother from his Basic Training Graduation on Friday, October 20, 2006. He graduated with honors. There are about 600-700 people who graduate from Lackland, TX Air Force Basic each WEEK. Only about 60 out of those 600-700 graduate with honors. Nick was in the back of his squadron because he was the Dorm Chief, so he was the one giving orders to all the guys in front of him. Wow, I am so proud of him.

More thoughts...

Okay, now I've been to church and have lots more thoughts. :) Please continue, this is seriously CRUCIAL.

Today the pastor spoke about sin and how sinning can open our lives to the enemy. When we sin, we eventual move on a path, and he outlined it as follows:

Obsession: thoughts...choice...habit
Oppression: habit...loss of control...bondage
Possession: bondage...totally controlled

Though a few of his points really hit home for me, he spoke about how we can have various habits, some good some bad, and that some habits deal with our attitudes. I had never thought of that. We can have a habit of a bitter attitude. We can have a habit of depression. A habit of anger. A habit of fear. A habit of busyness. And the list goes on. But it's interesting, isn't it, that we can have attitudinal habits. If the pastor is correct (and I think so), then there is something very exciting to be said. Because, by mere definition of what a "habit" is, it is a learned and practiced behavior. It's not something inborn. This is exciting news because, then, we always have the potential to break our habits and make new ones. Of course, we need the strength of Christ to overcome, because some of our habits are wrong ones.

In the midst of this, he also spoke about how his goal is to create "normal Christian living." I thought, now what does he mean by this. I sat back in my chair with interest. His definition of "normal Christian living" constitutes three things.

1. Stability (in emotions, actions, thoughts, etc)
2. Strength (in the same things listed above, and in Christ)
3. Impact (of our own lives and those around us)

I want to be a normal Christian who, for the majority of my decisions/actions/thoughts, am victorious in the things of Christ. I won't be perfect, but my goal is that the HUGE majority of my life is of faith, and not of sin.

To be or not to be...

I just woke up on this sunny, cold October day, and I thought I'd share some thoughts with you.

1. I need to take a shower.

2. I hope it snows soon.

3. Loneliness. What is that? I mean, rather, WHY is that? Why do we feel loneliness at times, especially when we're surrounded by 6 billion people in this grand world around us, and why is it so incapacitating? I've been talking to some of my close friends who are going through hard times right now. Hard times of loneliness, or frustration, or confusion...etc etc etc. Loneliness doesn't just occur when you're by yourself. Because at least at this moment, right now, I am by myself but not lonely. Whereas others may be with people and still lonely. Why do we so deeply long for others? For another person to share our life with? Why do we need people to care about us? Why. Why. Why. I don't know other than the fact that when nobody cares about ME, I go crazy. I would go crazy. Even though I have the Lord. We are not meant for a lonely existence but a sharing existence.

If you haven't taken the time to care for someone around you, do it today. Sometimes, I do a better job of loving strangers than the people closest to me, people that I love the most. That shouldn't be.

A single word.

It is amazing what words can do...or not do.

1. Yesterday at work, one of the ladies I work with stayed late after our weekly meeting. We were just chatting...talking about groups, pacing, etc (work stuff), but before she left to go, she started to get all teary-eyed, and I thought, "Okay Lord..." When to my surprise, she started thanking me for my work there at the schools. But not just for my work, for my attitude and whatnot there too. She asked me how I, personally, was doing--living alone, being in a new anti-social town, etc.

There's no words to say but I think I now know the meaning of "a blessing."

It truly was that. It was a blessing. It encouraged my heart.

If you ever have people that you work with, or who work for you, make sure that you take time occasionally to bless them, even if you're not "best friends." Because in reality, they might be new, not have any close friends around them, and not have had anybody from within their own company genuinely inquiring about "how they are doing." Amazing what a few genuine words can do.

2. I have a few friends who are supporting me in prayer. And actually being able to pray with people (even if it's over the phone), is SUCH a big deal when you don't have ready access to such. There is such encouragement in prayer--praying for others and having others pray for you. Thank you. Amazing what a few genuine words can do--and it only takes 15 minutes.

Want to know something important?

You know what is really important? Do you? I mean REALLY important? Well...lots of things. HAHA! Gotcha.

But I'm just going to say one really important thing. Here it goes.

It's important...to be yourself.

No matter if you're single, dating, married, divorced, or widowed. If you can't be yourself on your own, that's not good. If you can't be yourself with someone you're with, that's not good either.

That's all for today class,

Yours truly,
Brilliant Miss A.

(P.S. Something funny...when I've gone to my new classes lately, the teachers have asked what they would like for the kids to call me. I've debated whether or not to go by Miss "A" instead of "Aberle," because Aberle is hard for kids. But the last couple of times, I've said "Mrs. Aberle." And I just laughed...I'm not a "Mrs." It was weird. And I felt super awkward. It just becomes force of habit, because most of the ladies are "Mrs." so I'm just used to saying it. It's funny when you say it about yourself, especially when you're not. Yet. *Sigh* Some day...)

(I'm silently roaring with laughter at your reaction. Really, I am.)

Buy a parrot?

Hot chocolate, maple & brown sugar oatmeal, a book, and a fuzzy blanket.

These 4 things kept me company last night, probably the hardest night so far! Work is stressful (understatement).

And last night as I was crying in frustration (please, don't feel sorry), I thought this thought to God, "Okay God, I'm sure I'm here to learn something since I'm on my own, but please let me learn it fast and learn it during this trip so I don't have to make such a lonely trip again." It was kind of funny. I mean, there's only a few months left, and I have all that I need! But the irony is: though I am enjoying and will someday be thankful for this time alone, I don't think I ever want to do it again.

I'm looking at a job option in Bangkok, Thailand. It probably won't work out at this point in my life (still young), but in the future I want to be traveling and overseas.

If ever I thought that I wanted to spend my life with somebody and recognized the value of companionship, I have not realized it more than while I've been here. If y'alls desire is great right now, living with other people in a familiar place...

If I ever have to live on my own, or never get married or something really SCARY and unappealing like that...I'm going to do one of two things. I'll either become a foster parent/adopt a child. Or I'll be a crazy old lady with a ton of dogs and a big ol' house on a farm, with horses. No more of this "apartment with no t.v., no internet, no phone, no radio." It's very quiet. Too quiet.

I think I might buy a parrot.... :)

May take a while...

Hey friendly friends of mine. I am finally moved into my apartment (yeah!). It's weird, I have so much space and there's just little ol' me! Where are the friendly friends? :)

But just in case you cared, I don't have ready internet access anymore, so I can't post AS frequently on this blog or on my book in progress blog. I have to go to another town (Ft. Morgan, which is like 10 minutes away) and use the community college's wireless there. Seriously, you'd think that the Brush Library would be an option...but no. There's no such thing as "wireless" in little towns. Or at least hardly anywhere. *Sigh* But that's okay, I get to do some writing on my own, some knitting, or painting, or fostering little kittens...whatever I want!

Don't worry those of my friends who are worried, I am not being a freak and not meeting or talking to people. In fact, during the days my job are so very completely PEOPLE oriented, and that it is wonderful! I love it. But y'all don't QUITE understand Brush. For those who are visiting soon, you may get the picture. But when you encourage me to hang out with people in the evenings...nice try. Thanks a bundle for the encouragement. But if you didn't know, I'm not the type to be averse to hanging out or anything. Here's a picture of Brush: Stores close at 5 or 6 typically, unless it's a grocery store or fast-food. Families or old people live here in Brush. They don't 'hang out' per se. I'll have lunch with them during the days, but as far as, "hey, wanna go to a movie tonight?" that's just not reasonable! It gets dark at about 6pm...and quiet. There are bars (which I am NOT going to go to). And there is one cafe which is open until 8pm (I have gone there quite a bit...and I'm usually the only one there other than a few older people who come in).

I am currently sitting at a place that you would think might be semi-teeming with people my own age (a community college library), but there are about 2 people in sight. One is a man who looks like he's in his 40s and the other is the middle-aged lady that works here!

I did go to a movie 2 weekends ago with a girl who works for Lindamood-Bell as well, but she was just visiting from Cheyenne, Wyoming (which is about 2 hours away). We saw a movie with her 2 nephews who are about 10 and 5. It was fun, it really was. But that's just a little picture of the options here. Y'all know me, I am a very friendly person. If there were people my age to meet to hang out with, I have 1) either not met them yet or 2) they don't exist!

So...I don't need anybody to encourage me to make friends or hang out. In fact, it's kind of frustrating! So don't worry. I do that and will do that. And if you could understand, from about 6pm until the next morning at 8am, when I go to work, there's nobody to talk to or hang out with.

I don't mind being alone, and I am enjoying this time to be more independent than I would ever have had I stayed where I was, and I also don't need or want anybody's "encouragement to make friends." I am doing that...it just so happens to be with women who are 40 or older. Which is great, it just means a different social life than y'all are used to, than I am used to. The Lord's will is my desire, and I need those people who ARE my friends from back home to keep supporting me, and I mean just that...supporting. I know I can make it on my own. I am. And I will.

I do love you guys!

Pain, pain, pain.

I don't know what hurts more, hurting yourself or seeing others hurting. Both are horrific.

The weather changed today. Yesterday it went from 80 degrees as a high, sunny and almost hot, to today. Today it is cloudy, about 50 degrees, and rainy. I walked outside at about 10:45 to go to church and I smiled up at the cloudy sky, fields rolling in the distance for miles, a few houses with trees poking up every once in a while. This is Brush. I could live here.

I don't have answers to the problems of the world. I wish I did.

Today in church one of the elders spoke the message. He spoke from his heart using the text of Ephesians 1.18-20. And there was a young man in the audience, about my age or a little older, who kept interrupting him. At first, I just thought he was rude, but this young man couldn't stand the message that the elder was preaching. He interruped aloud when the preacher started talking about how Satan sometimes tempts us, but Christ has overcome him...that even when we, as believers, sin, we are still children of God. We are saved by the grace of Christ...we have been given new identities. The young man interrupted and said, "What, in your dreams? When you dream?" he laughed, shaking his head. It was rude. But at least he spoke how he felt.

The young man got up and walked out in the middle of the service.

The youth pastor prayed for him at the end. I was curious as to what he would say, but was thankful to hear the pastor's heart. He did not condemn or express anger. In fact, he did the opposite, as he should do. He asked for God's love in that young man, and for us as the believing body to show him love.

"They will know us by the love we have for one another."

Oh...I hate seeing pain.

It's a perfect little life.

What in the hell is wrong with this world?

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with us?

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 last night on CNN and he is doing a live-coverage of some areas in Africa, including Sudan and Darfur. There are as many as 50,000 people in one, dirty area that were forced to flee from their cities. Hundreds die every day. Children are starving to death. Outbreaks of cholera or other water-bred diseases plague the people. Anderson interviewed one of the warlords in the region, whose men have looted villages and gangraped women and children, with no remorse. And this is not the only place.

I read Prince Phillip's posting about the gangrapes in France and the UK.

I read the blog of a friend who suffers from anorexia and bulimia.

North Korea wants to test its nuclear missiles--the question "why?" is what scares me.

Kids at the schools I work at consider suicide, sex, rape, drugs, and parental abuse.

A "family" that dares to call itself a church somewhere south stands outside buildings holding up signs that say,"God hates fags," or other ridiculous atrocities.

Each of my friends and/or family members, Christian or non, has suffered from medium to severe depression at some point in their life.

I have hated my own life at points and would rather have died than continue on living.


What the hell is wrong with us?

Do you know? Would you even dare to think you could know the answer, the cure, the solution. Is there one?

Honestly, I am going to write something that I want you all to think about. Read it all, please. I believe that Jesus Christ died to set the captives free. We are captives. We can be free. And I ALSO believe that as long as we are on this earth, we will experience hell. The books that John Eldridge writes are nice, they are fluffy, and have some truths, but in some ways they are blind to the suffering of the reality of the world.

Last night I lay in bed and felt a mix of emotions. Love, anger, and hope. I love my friends and family--I felt that. I know people were made to love. I felt burning rage at the stupid people who rape and kill others, at our society that has a SURPLUS of food while other people are STARVING, our society that watches teenage girls get raped and then turns the other cheek. And I felt desperate hope for God's conviction and healing power on this earth. When I thought about the troops in that warlord's army, I wanted God to call down his judgment and just eradicate those men. As I was thinking that thought in anger, I was sickened at myself. Those stupid, vile men are lost too, and it almost made me mad that I am supposed to love them ("love your enemies"). And until they die or the judgment day comes, I am called to love. I hate what they do, and that hate easily wants to hate the person too. I hate evil. I hate killing. And yet I would probably kill one of those men if I saw him raping somebody, or saw him mercilessly shooting a child on the street.

It's so hard to love enemies. I'm just glad that I can purely and utterly hate one thing. Evil--Satan. He is dead and defeated by Jesus Christ. The victory of Christ reigns. Always.

Do you feel stuck in a trap? A trap of boredom? A trap of fear? A trap of apathy? A trap of psychological illness? A trap of gender stereotype? If we are stuck in the traps of our own little worlds, what can we do? How do we get out of the ridiculous, LYING deceit of American media? Stop living for myself. Stop believing the stupid stupid stupid lies. They are LIES. My body, this stupid body that has caused me much suffering is just a body. I think Satan wants us to believe that all we are, all that is important, is our bodies. My body, this stupid body that has caused me much suffering is just a body. This body that has had acne, has been too skinny, that doesn't have perfect curves, that feels sick at times, that has hurt others, that I want to destroy at times...IT IS THE LORD'S. Ohhh...If only I knew that. I am the Lord's. If only we knew that about OURSELVES, then maybe we would begin to respect the other bodies around us.

IT IS THE LORD'S. And that means I am a warrior. I can fight the true fight. Not the fight for a better body, better sex, better feelings. That is so damn worthless. It really is. The fight for living something meaningful--for fighting against evil. That is what God has done and what He stands for. He is truth. I want to fight for what is TRUE, not these lies that I keep believing. Jesus Christ died to set the captive free. And now I can finally fight against the real enemy.

And yet...the irony of the fact that we still abide in the now of our everyday lives. By nature of being human, we live in the now.

Curdled milk breath?

I was talking to my mom earlier tonight and we were having a blast of a time. Somehow, we got on the subject of sour milk, and I started thinking about my first year as an RA when the 500 girls pranked Perks 100...with something sour. It was either milk or orange juice, but I think it was milk.

Anyways, the smell reeked. Literally, it's the grossest smell you can think of, outside of burning flesh or something morbid like that.

But my mom and I were talking and she all of a sudden burst out: "See! That's why you can't drink milk before you go on a date!" And in confusion I asked, "Well, why not?"

She replied, "Because the milk curdles like cottage cheese in your stomach and you get curdled milk breath." There was a momentary pause. I was thinking: Are you serious? Did my mom just say that! And then I started laughing. "Curdled breath milk!" Hehe...it's hilarious. Gross...but hilarious!

So there you go. Words of wisdom from my mom. Don't drink milk before you go on a date. Or at least don't get close enough to the boy to let him smell your breath!

Ew.

Starting a new blog...and I need your help!

Hey friends, I am starting a new blog that I am actually really excited about!

While I am gone, I have some good time on my hands that I can at least attempt something that I've always wanted to do. Write a book. It might seem a little ridiculous, and honestly, it probably will suck! But I am going to have fun doing it AND fill up some of these lonely/long days away from home.

My only request is that, as you guys have time to read it, please leave your comments, ideas, and critiques. (Just try not to be too brutal...and if you need to be brutal, then do it. I can handle it. I'm an English major, remember?)

My inspiration comes from the Sword of Truth series and the reality of my life as a Christian, which you will probably feel that even from reading my first entry, but I want this to be an original. Somehow, I want this to be a Christian story, but not one of those cheesy, "oh wow, read that before." I want it to be deep, real, and profound, something that will surprise the reader in the end that it is a story about the power, goodness, and love of God. Something that can change somebody's life, can change MY life.

I know those are some high goals, but that's my aspiration, and I have to at least aim high. I have good friends to help me too. Honestly, I have no idea how it will turn out, but I want to give it a try.

The link is http://ashbookinprogress.blogspot.com.

Sorry I can't get the actual link "linked" onto the address. You can either cut and paste, or click on "view my complete profile" and then click the link at the bottom. Phoowee. Does anyone know why the link option when posting is no longer available?