It's a perfect little life.

What in the hell is wrong with this world?

I mean, seriously, what is wrong with us?

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 last night on CNN and he is doing a live-coverage of some areas in Africa, including Sudan and Darfur. There are as many as 50,000 people in one, dirty area that were forced to flee from their cities. Hundreds die every day. Children are starving to death. Outbreaks of cholera or other water-bred diseases plague the people. Anderson interviewed one of the warlords in the region, whose men have looted villages and gangraped women and children, with no remorse. And this is not the only place.

I read Prince Phillip's posting about the gangrapes in France and the UK.

I read the blog of a friend who suffers from anorexia and bulimia.

North Korea wants to test its nuclear missiles--the question "why?" is what scares me.

Kids at the schools I work at consider suicide, sex, rape, drugs, and parental abuse.

A "family" that dares to call itself a church somewhere south stands outside buildings holding up signs that say,"God hates fags," or other ridiculous atrocities.

Each of my friends and/or family members, Christian or non, has suffered from medium to severe depression at some point in their life.

I have hated my own life at points and would rather have died than continue on living.


What the hell is wrong with us?

Do you know? Would you even dare to think you could know the answer, the cure, the solution. Is there one?

Honestly, I am going to write something that I want you all to think about. Read it all, please. I believe that Jesus Christ died to set the captives free. We are captives. We can be free. And I ALSO believe that as long as we are on this earth, we will experience hell. The books that John Eldridge writes are nice, they are fluffy, and have some truths, but in some ways they are blind to the suffering of the reality of the world.

Last night I lay in bed and felt a mix of emotions. Love, anger, and hope. I love my friends and family--I felt that. I know people were made to love. I felt burning rage at the stupid people who rape and kill others, at our society that has a SURPLUS of food while other people are STARVING, our society that watches teenage girls get raped and then turns the other cheek. And I felt desperate hope for God's conviction and healing power on this earth. When I thought about the troops in that warlord's army, I wanted God to call down his judgment and just eradicate those men. As I was thinking that thought in anger, I was sickened at myself. Those stupid, vile men are lost too, and it almost made me mad that I am supposed to love them ("love your enemies"). And until they die or the judgment day comes, I am called to love. I hate what they do, and that hate easily wants to hate the person too. I hate evil. I hate killing. And yet I would probably kill one of those men if I saw him raping somebody, or saw him mercilessly shooting a child on the street.

It's so hard to love enemies. I'm just glad that I can purely and utterly hate one thing. Evil--Satan. He is dead and defeated by Jesus Christ. The victory of Christ reigns. Always.

Do you feel stuck in a trap? A trap of boredom? A trap of fear? A trap of apathy? A trap of psychological illness? A trap of gender stereotype? If we are stuck in the traps of our own little worlds, what can we do? How do we get out of the ridiculous, LYING deceit of American media? Stop living for myself. Stop believing the stupid stupid stupid lies. They are LIES. My body, this stupid body that has caused me much suffering is just a body. I think Satan wants us to believe that all we are, all that is important, is our bodies. My body, this stupid body that has caused me much suffering is just a body. This body that has had acne, has been too skinny, that doesn't have perfect curves, that feels sick at times, that has hurt others, that I want to destroy at times...IT IS THE LORD'S. Ohhh...If only I knew that. I am the Lord's. If only we knew that about OURSELVES, then maybe we would begin to respect the other bodies around us.

IT IS THE LORD'S. And that means I am a warrior. I can fight the true fight. Not the fight for a better body, better sex, better feelings. That is so damn worthless. It really is. The fight for living something meaningful--for fighting against evil. That is what God has done and what He stands for. He is truth. I want to fight for what is TRUE, not these lies that I keep believing. Jesus Christ died to set the captive free. And now I can finally fight against the real enemy.

And yet...the irony of the fact that we still abide in the now of our everyday lives. By nature of being human, we live in the now.