Domination

I did it.

For the first time ever I believe that, in the words of a friend, I "dominated."

Using this word makes me feel a little anxious because I equate domination with self-power, and I don't believe that anything I do is strictly due to my own ability, but the strength and opportunities God has given me. I work to please God, not man (ideally).

But today I walked through my front door after work. I had just shaken hands with my supervisor as he left for Denver. And I smiled to myself, threw my purse on the counter, and confidently said, "I DOMINATED" to the empty room. And then I truly thanked the Lord. :) My stomach had been uptight all day, but it went well.

Really though, all of this work that I have put into my job is not to impress my boss but is to prove myself a good steward (again, ideally). Thankfully, though, and nothing to my credit but all to God, God allows his favor to rest on his people. I know with confidence that I can say I have done my best here, and will continue doing so. I hadn't realized it, however, until I heard it in my supervisor's voice (at the same time, this proves to me that I do care what man thinks (AAAHHH)). But the reason I "dominated" is because I am doing my best. And I am seeing the results.

I'm sure though, in my life, there will come a time when I will not see results. It's interesting, but I've noticed a pattern. There has not been a time when I have worked hard and NOT seen results. But I have a feeling that when it comes to me finally working on the mission field, this almost false sense of confidence is going to be shattered. Working with people isn't technical like school is, like programs are, like research is. When I studied for school, I got good grades. When I teach a program correctly, people learn. But when I deal with the reality of humanity/spirituality/etc., there are no "results" like what I'm used to. Well, at least I'm aware of this fact now.