Life is a major-motion...scrapbook?

It's somewhat late on a Saturday night...well actually it's almost 10pm. You might laugh at me for calling that "late." And I might laugh at myself. :) I'm feeling better now, getting over the flu, praise the Lord! It's no fun being sicky girl. Anyways...I decided today to tackle a project that usually much eludes me and almost frightens me away: scrapbooking. My dear friend Julie bought me a little kit for Christmas. Alas, it has sat under a pile of books since then. Oh, on occasion I have pulled it out, flipping through the multi-colored pages in fascination, my skin tingling with dread...

I am not good at crafts.

However, though I recognize and admit my weakness, I have an immense appreciation for artistic design in any form. I do enjoy pictures, and don't have anything personal against scrapbooking--it just eludes me, as I mentioned before. My initial thought when I think of a person who scrapbooks is very stereotypical: a stay-at-home mom (I hope I don't offend anyone here). HOWEVER!! Many many many friends scrapbook. And now I do too. Sorry for the misperception...

With the wind (literally) blowing in torrents around me, I bundled into my car and musically expressed my joy to some country music as I made my way to Wal-Mart, my new favorite store (as it seems to be the only one in Brush). I printed off about 39 pictures from my digital camera (YEAH for digital cameras) and proceeded home. My little periwinkle-blue Chevy Aveo almost blew off Highway-34.

Let me tell you. Despite my weakness in craftiness...when I tackle a project, I tackle it as though I am a 6'5" 225 pound line-backer for the Seahawks, instead of a 5'10" 130 pound woman getting over a cold. :) In my opinion, my scrapbook called "life" (very original, I know) is AMAZING. It's amazing for two reasons. One, I don't scrapbook, so I'm pretty proud of myself for doing it. Two, it ain't half bad. Plus, it's fun to look at. Hehe. I just made myself laugh. I love Elf...

My intention in creating this masterpiece is to express and document the rollercoaster ride of life that was (and still is) my first year after finishing undergraduate work (i.e. college, I'm just excited to start grad school this August...).

You may not believe me when I say I did scrapbook. However, ask me to see it, and I may just let you witness my "life" in pictures. (In reality, it doesn't really do justice to the experience of being in Colorado, but hey, I tried.)

You may also be proud of me. I changed 5 lightbulbs today. And they weren't easy to change. Boo-yah.

Personal holiness...

What is it? Personal holiness.

I believe it's fairly self-expalanatory--it is the effect of holiness as reflected in my personal life.

It doesn't sound like a bad thing, does it? I want to reflect holiness. In my personal life.

However, I would challenge you that "personal holiness" is often negatively practiced and produces poor results. "Why?" you might ask. I would argue: because many religions attest to (and almost deify) personal holiness. To all of the "things" we must "do" in order to experience nirvana, heaven, freedom from this body/emotions/thoughts, etc.

Christianity is supposed to be different. I am not supposed to be consumed by my personal holiness. I am not supposed to say, "well I don't do this and this and this, thus I am a Christian."

Rather, we should take the example of Paul. "Paul was not overly interested in his own character. And as long as our eyes are focused on our own personal holiness, we will never even get close to the full reality of redemption. Christian workers fail because they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God" (Oswald Chambers Jan.31).

When we first accept Jesus, we recognize that we are not worthy to begin with. So why do we allow thoughts of personal holiness to consume our thinking as we try to act Christian from that day forward? "Christian workers fail because they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God." Ouch. Christianity is not about self-fulfilled personal holiness. Holiness results from an intimate relationship with a Person, not a cause.

Why try so hard to fit in when we're not of the same breed anyways--not because of anything we did, but because of Who gave life to us?

Back in Brush...

So I am finally back in Brush again. It's weird, but I felt excited to be coming "home" to Brush! It has been my home these last 4 months, I guess! But it sure beats the hotel (not that it was bad).

Two things.

One: my parents made an offer on a house that was accepted. They now have 7 days to sell their house, which they just put on the market today. If they sell in 7 days, then they are moving in April! Whoa. Starting grad school, it will be in a new house. Crazy. There's a pool...which is PERFECT come summer time!

Two: Driving back to Brush I was listening to K-Love (yes, somewhat cheesy), and the lady dj said something that, surprisingly, made me think. I don't remember her exact words, but she said something about how we should be ones who live from our convictions when the times get tough.

I was like...WHOA again. Live from our convictions? When do you EVER hear about that in church? Convictions are crucial to life as a Christian, though. I mean, why else would we choose not to get drunk, or choose not to "enjoy" sex pre-maritally, or choose not to be rude to jerky people at work? Would you characterize yourself as someone who not only says you have convictions, but actually lives by them? I'm thankful that, even if we answer honestly to that question and perhaps the answer is "no," we have the hope of Christ! If we are not currently a conviction-driven person, we can become one! That is what Christ does--He brings life, hope, joy as we choose to overcome.

The day after V-day

We serve an awesome God, don't we?

I can't tell you how much I feel that I've been through the valley "of the shadow of death" (though it's not THAT tragic) and have FINALLY come out the other side! Seriously, since I've first started work in Colorado (back in September) now is the first time that I believe I've experienced break-through!

Last night I read an incredible section in My Utmost--about walking through times of darkness. And how when we walk in darkness, our responsibility should not be to react, but to listen. Now, I can't say that I haven't reacted--because I sure have. But in the end, I'm humbled and learning to listen better. There are still a couple months to go...but I believe it is going to be better from now on! Not peachy always, but better. A peach smoothie sure sounds good though...

So yesterday was Valentine's Day. And it's the first Valentine's Day that I've ever actually had a "valentine" in my entire life. And where is he? He's in India (praise God--he's serving the Lord and doing great things...that makes it better).

But guess what. He surprised me and called last night on Vday! It was just the Lord that I even had my phone on me! We talked for, like, 3 minutes, but prayed for each other and it put a smile on my face the rest of the night. I felt like a school-girl--and I probably looked like a dork smiling like I was!

As a dear friend wrote to me in email, though. We are loved by a powerful, always faithful Husband--our Maker and Sustainer! I'm so thankful for that. He's always with me, always near.

Well, it's been a good week for me--I hope it's been for you!

I bought myself something

You know what is the one object that ALWAYS lifts my spirits?

A flower.

So I bought a single rose with 2 white foreign mumms in a contemporary vase 2 days ago. They brighten up my room and my heart! I never thought I'd really be so girly. :) I want flowers, a garden of my own someday, like the one my great-grandma had. Something rich and lush that you can get lost in, even if it's just your backyard.

Praise God, work was better today. We can live!

Here is the question I've been asking myself (among many): Can one event shatter my faith?

If my answer is yes, then my reply is: what faith?

But my answer is no. My rock is the Rock of Ages! Wouldn't it be awesome to have been Simon, the one who was a disciple of Jesus? Because one day Jesus turned to Simon and called him petros--rock. How weird that would have seemed, "hey buddy, I'm gonna call you rock from now on." But Petros became the rock from which Christ built the early church! Someday in heaven, when we're given new names, I wonder what they'll be...

I need some beauty

This is the most beautiful picture, isn't it? I posted it because right now, I hate it here. I really do. It hurts me to say that. It makes me think one of two things. One: that I disobeyed the Lord in coming here. Or. Two: that I am being disobedient now while I am here.

I just read a few posts from last February, and let me tell you, I am so glad that I DON'T know the future. If I had known the pain I would go through this year, I would not want to do it. If I had known in taking this job the anger, pain, and loneliness, I would not have taken it. I have never felt more angry, more frustrated, more useless in my entire life.

This is how I feel right now: "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'" (Isaiah 30.19-21).

Oh just reading the Word speaks life! I really miss nature, so I am posting some beautiful pictures that my mom sent to me.

I skinned my knee

I skinned it last night after work. My skirt got caught on my ankle, and I fell hard against the ground in my hotel. It's kind of funny now. But then I was angry.

I was angry tonight when soy sauce spewed all over my jacket and jeans. I was angry when the cashier at Wal-Mart asked me, "are you okay?" I was angry when I turned the wrong way down a confusing street and almost got hit by a semi.

Right now I'm battling. I'm battling a harshness in myself that has not been here before, that is trying to erupt in me whenever things aren't happening perfectly. Like a weed, anger erupts in an instant over various things...That my job is frustrating, I'm alone in a hotel, some of my relationships are floundering...AAHH!! But I have no excuse! I don't care if being alone makes me more introspective, quiet, and/or serious. I am learning how much I REALLY don't have control over most circumstances in life! My belief doesn't make others believe. My hope doesn't make others hope. It's ONLY Christ!!! I have tried to be so much, to believe so much, to be so good, that the pressure just wants to explode sometimes! I need to be made new. Each day.

What about the people on the streets of Commerce City, Colorado? It's a very low-income area. And here I come in, I'm a white, "rich," Christian woman. How stereotypical can you get? I have not established any meaningful relationships with these people here--and I'm so frustrated with that. Nobody reaches out to me, but I reach out to nobody either, feeling that I have little to offer--no home to open to people, little money (and even what I do have, what should I do with it, since I've saving for school?), a demanding job, and a church that doesn't even feel like one. I pray and long to be used by the Lord, to share his Good News, and my tongue remains motionless most of the time. I have some time on the weekends, but what can I do MEANINGFULLY when I'm only here for two weeks? Nothing is appealing to me. I miss nature, I miss beauty, I miss slowing down enough to smell the air, to let the wind blow in my hair, to forget about upholding the image I have to live every day at work, to stop worrying so much about the people I love because nothing I do or say seems to matter anyways! I want...no, I NEED to go somewhere. To go to the beach or the mountains or somewhere where the beauty and peaceful quiet of nature just IS. Where Christ just IS. Be still and know that I am God. There is enough today to worry about that I'm tired of worrying about tomorrow, not to mention worrying about a year from now.

I watched the last 30 minutes of My Best Friend's Wedding with Julia Roberts tonight. I felt something like her. Like I've been watching my best friend whom I love walk down the aisle with someone else. In a way, I have. And I thought, Wow, I am only 22, but I wonder if I'll ever get married. Surely not in the near future. But how ridiculous! Marriage isn't the end all--God is. However, I've also learned just a smidgeon of how difficult it would be to live alone all your life. Maybe I could do it. God's grace only. But I want a home full of people--husband, children, grandkids, grandparents, people from town, friends from work, neighbors, churchfolk... This isolation feels so stripping of my nature. I want to provide, to nurture, to care for others!

I wrote an email tonight to a friend and conveyed to her my frustration that seems to be prevailing not just in my life, but in the lives of everyone I know--Christian or non--where is that consistent peace and joy that Christ brings and promised for those who know Him! Where is it? Why do I feel like I'm floundering? Oh, this battle. This spiritual battle is so taxing. It wants to strip me of my compassion and the sweetness of Christ. NO. We must stand firm against bitterness, anger, and hardness. Much of the time, in order not to "grow cold," we have to be 100% real with others--confession, life, difficulties, joys. "Don't let your hearts grow cold..."

I have been, and will continue more so, to be praying for brokenness, GOOD brokenness, in all of the people of God. A humble brokenness that feels, that believes, that hopes, that yearns for Christ's redemption, healing, and joy on this earth! I don't know about you--but I so desperately need it.

The joy of life is sharing it!

It's true! I walked into my hotel and my jaw dropped. It's huge, fancy, with chandeliers, in-hotel restaurant, workout room, indoor & outdoor pool, sauna, king-size bed with feather bedding, 12-storied, one entire wall is a giant window with a view over-looking downtown Denver & the Rockies, laden with marble-work, etc etc etc. And alas, I was unable to squeel like a girl, jump on the feather-bed, and run through the large halls BECAUSE...it's just not fun to do alone! I wish some friends were here to experience the glory.

I guess it's not really truly glorious. With friends in India, homeless people on the street corners of Commerce City, gangs in the schools here, and most students under the poverty line, it's not the least bit truly glorious. It's pleasurable, but not glorious. Fleeting.

My new job has started here in Adams County, Denver. The most difficult school has been passed on to me. Not because I can handle it (which I can), but because I'll be here the least amount of time and will ultimately have to deal with it the least. However. It's a fast learning curve. Tomorrow I sit in on groups and classrooms. I don't have all of my materials, so I can't really study up, as I would like to do.

Also, many thoughts plague my mind. The first is: I'm beginning to realize the crucial aspect of a balanced life. Balanced Christianity. If we live as Christians, bouncing from high to high, we won't survive the low-times. Christianity is not about how we feel--when we're on mission trips, when we're leading small groups, when we're in worship Sunday morning. Rather, it's not ONLY about these times. If all of this was ripped from my grasp, and I was left immobile in a hospital room somewhere in the middle of Bangledesh, with no penny to my name, the world seemingly in crumbles around me, it is here that I should be just as Christian as when I'm preaching to an attentive crowd on Sunday (not that I preach). It's the mundane of life. The everyday. The breaking up of relationships, the losing of loved ones, the ailing of health, the rumor and reality of wars--it is HERE that I should be Christian. Worshipping God for He is good. Always.