I skinned my knee

I skinned it last night after work. My skirt got caught on my ankle, and I fell hard against the ground in my hotel. It's kind of funny now. But then I was angry.

I was angry tonight when soy sauce spewed all over my jacket and jeans. I was angry when the cashier at Wal-Mart asked me, "are you okay?" I was angry when I turned the wrong way down a confusing street and almost got hit by a semi.

Right now I'm battling. I'm battling a harshness in myself that has not been here before, that is trying to erupt in me whenever things aren't happening perfectly. Like a weed, anger erupts in an instant over various things...That my job is frustrating, I'm alone in a hotel, some of my relationships are floundering...AAHH!! But I have no excuse! I don't care if being alone makes me more introspective, quiet, and/or serious. I am learning how much I REALLY don't have control over most circumstances in life! My belief doesn't make others believe. My hope doesn't make others hope. It's ONLY Christ!!! I have tried to be so much, to believe so much, to be so good, that the pressure just wants to explode sometimes! I need to be made new. Each day.

What about the people on the streets of Commerce City, Colorado? It's a very low-income area. And here I come in, I'm a white, "rich," Christian woman. How stereotypical can you get? I have not established any meaningful relationships with these people here--and I'm so frustrated with that. Nobody reaches out to me, but I reach out to nobody either, feeling that I have little to offer--no home to open to people, little money (and even what I do have, what should I do with it, since I've saving for school?), a demanding job, and a church that doesn't even feel like one. I pray and long to be used by the Lord, to share his Good News, and my tongue remains motionless most of the time. I have some time on the weekends, but what can I do MEANINGFULLY when I'm only here for two weeks? Nothing is appealing to me. I miss nature, I miss beauty, I miss slowing down enough to smell the air, to let the wind blow in my hair, to forget about upholding the image I have to live every day at work, to stop worrying so much about the people I love because nothing I do or say seems to matter anyways! I want...no, I NEED to go somewhere. To go to the beach or the mountains or somewhere where the beauty and peaceful quiet of nature just IS. Where Christ just IS. Be still and know that I am God. There is enough today to worry about that I'm tired of worrying about tomorrow, not to mention worrying about a year from now.

I watched the last 30 minutes of My Best Friend's Wedding with Julia Roberts tonight. I felt something like her. Like I've been watching my best friend whom I love walk down the aisle with someone else. In a way, I have. And I thought, Wow, I am only 22, but I wonder if I'll ever get married. Surely not in the near future. But how ridiculous! Marriage isn't the end all--God is. However, I've also learned just a smidgeon of how difficult it would be to live alone all your life. Maybe I could do it. God's grace only. But I want a home full of people--husband, children, grandkids, grandparents, people from town, friends from work, neighbors, churchfolk... This isolation feels so stripping of my nature. I want to provide, to nurture, to care for others!

I wrote an email tonight to a friend and conveyed to her my frustration that seems to be prevailing not just in my life, but in the lives of everyone I know--Christian or non--where is that consistent peace and joy that Christ brings and promised for those who know Him! Where is it? Why do I feel like I'm floundering? Oh, this battle. This spiritual battle is so taxing. It wants to strip me of my compassion and the sweetness of Christ. NO. We must stand firm against bitterness, anger, and hardness. Much of the time, in order not to "grow cold," we have to be 100% real with others--confession, life, difficulties, joys. "Don't let your hearts grow cold..."

I have been, and will continue more so, to be praying for brokenness, GOOD brokenness, in all of the people of God. A humble brokenness that feels, that believes, that hopes, that yearns for Christ's redemption, healing, and joy on this earth! I don't know about you--but I so desperately need it.