My final weeks...

Have you ever felt enormously intimidated by the up-coming season of your life, and the fact that you don't really know what the future holds, as much as you plan for it?

While I can't say that this season of life (post-undergrad years) is THEE hardest or least stable, they sure are pretty hard and unstable. The first year after college has been the hardest of my life so far. Thankfully, it'll be over in 2 months, and I'll be starting my 2nd year after college (and starting grad school in August...). But what I'm most intimidated about is the fact that my life affects others. And just how much it does. I'll be moving in with my family again for the next year or two. My boyfriend is planning on starting a whole new life in Yakima JUST becaue I'll be there (whoa). One of my brothers will be able to drive. The other brother will be finished with his year of linguistic training in Farsi for the Air Force (and who knows where he'll then be stationed).

And all that to say: I don't know where I'll fit in in Yakima either. Don't know how the finances will work out for grad school. Don't know how my boyfriend will feel in Yakima (or how I'll feel, for that matter). Don't know how my family will deal with my life changing (and I pray they will support me). Don't know. Don't know. Don't know. Where will I work after grad school?

Really, I'm not worried right now as I write these things down. Honestly, it's like I'm just shooting off a list of things necessary to do, nothing with which I'm currently involved. Which is quite the opposite of what is really true. I don't feel real involved in my own life right now--as though I don't really feel. It's as though I see my life objectively in my mind's eye--as though this is all happening to somebody else. Not to me, Ashley. I'm sure that that sensation will change eventually. Perhaps I'm feeling this way because I'm afraid of the impact on other people's lives. It's okay if crazy and unexpected things happen to me, but when they happen to others or affect those others, I want to avoid it and protect them. But I guess reality is: I'm not God. That is the scariest (and most relieving) truth. I can't cause somebody else avoidance or protect them because I'm not in control.

That's okay.

Personal holiness...

What is it? Personal holiness.

I believe it's fairly self-expalanatory--it is the effect of holiness as reflected in my personal life.

It doesn't sound like a bad thing, does it? I want to reflect holiness. In my personal life.

However, I would challenge you that "personal holiness" is often negatively practiced and produces poor results. "Why?" you might ask. I would argue: because many religions attest to (and almost deify) personal holiness. To all of the "things" we must "do" in order to experience nirvana, heaven, freedom from this body/emotions/thoughts, etc.

Christianity is supposed to be different. I am not supposed to be consumed by my personal holiness. I am not supposed to say, "well I don't do this and this and this, thus I am a Christian."

Rather, we should take the example of Paul. "Paul was not overly interested in his own character. And as long as our eyes are focused on our own personal holiness, we will never even get close to the full reality of redemption. Christian workers fail because they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God" (Oswald Chambers Jan.31).

When we first accept Jesus, we recognize that we are not worthy to begin with. So why do we allow thoughts of personal holiness to consume our thinking as we try to act Christian from that day forward? "Christian workers fail because they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God." Ouch. Christianity is not about self-fulfilled personal holiness. Holiness results from an intimate relationship with a Person, not a cause.

Why try so hard to fit in when we're not of the same breed anyways--not because of anything we did, but because of Who gave life to us?

Back in Brush...

So I am finally back in Brush again. It's weird, but I felt excited to be coming "home" to Brush! It has been my home these last 4 months, I guess! But it sure beats the hotel (not that it was bad).

Two things.

One: my parents made an offer on a house that was accepted. They now have 7 days to sell their house, which they just put on the market today. If they sell in 7 days, then they are moving in April! Whoa. Starting grad school, it will be in a new house. Crazy. There's a pool...which is PERFECT come summer time!

Two: Driving back to Brush I was listening to K-Love (yes, somewhat cheesy), and the lady dj said something that, surprisingly, made me think. I don't remember her exact words, but she said something about how we should be ones who live from our convictions when the times get tough.

I was like...WHOA again. Live from our convictions? When do you EVER hear about that in church? Convictions are crucial to life as a Christian, though. I mean, why else would we choose not to get drunk, or choose not to "enjoy" sex pre-maritally, or choose not to be rude to jerky people at work? Would you characterize yourself as someone who not only says you have convictions, but actually lives by them? I'm thankful that, even if we answer honestly to that question and perhaps the answer is "no," we have the hope of Christ! If we are not currently a conviction-driven person, we can become one! That is what Christ does--He brings life, hope, joy as we choose to overcome.