My final weeks...
Have you ever felt enormously intimidated by the up-coming season of your life, and the fact that you don't really know what the future holds, as much as you plan for it?
While I can't say that this season of life (post-undergrad years) is THEE hardest or least stable, they sure are pretty hard and unstable. The first year after college has been the hardest of my life so far. Thankfully, it'll be over in 2 months, and I'll be starting my 2nd year after college (and starting grad school in August...). But what I'm most intimidated about is the fact that my life affects others. And just how much it does. I'll be moving in with my family again for the next year or two. My boyfriend is planning on starting a whole new life in Yakima JUST becaue I'll be there (whoa). One of my brothers will be able to drive. The other brother will be finished with his year of linguistic training in Farsi for the Air Force (and who knows where he'll then be stationed).
And all that to say: I don't know where I'll fit in in Yakima either. Don't know how the finances will work out for grad school. Don't know how my boyfriend will feel in Yakima (or how I'll feel, for that matter). Don't know how my family will deal with my life changing (and I pray they will support me). Don't know. Don't know. Don't know. Where will I work after grad school?
Really, I'm not worried right now as I write these things down. Honestly, it's like I'm just shooting off a list of things necessary to do, nothing with which I'm currently involved. Which is quite the opposite of what is really true. I don't feel real involved in my own life right now--as though I don't really feel. It's as though I see my life objectively in my mind's eye--as though this is all happening to somebody else. Not to me, Ashley. I'm sure that that sensation will change eventually. Perhaps I'm feeling this way because I'm afraid of the impact on other people's lives. It's okay if crazy and unexpected things happen to me, but when they happen to others or affect those others, I want to avoid it and protect them. But I guess reality is: I'm not God. That is the scariest (and most relieving) truth. I can't cause somebody else avoidance or protect them because I'm not in control.
That's okay.
Labels: Thoughts
posted by Ash at 5:53 PM
3 Comments:
I remember this place well, although not being comfortable without at least the illusion that I am in control I didn't handle it as well as you appear to be! LOL. I had a year off in between undergrad and professional school and during that year I moved back in with my mom (yikes) and worked at a job I could have gotten right out of high school, and had so many doubts as to what I was going to do and how and was college even worth it, et cetera. I am sure things will work out for you, as they did for me, and later on, remembering this trial will give you stregnth at your life changes again (and it will!)
I'm finishing up residency and about to move (again!) and have to make all new friends (again!) for another limited training period. Now I am dragging my mom and my husband and my baby and the new baby in my belly along with me - so I do understand the incredible intimidation of your lifes' changes effecting other people.
Hang in there, chiquita, it will be a great journey. It wont always be fun or easy but you will learn a lot.
XO
ash,
i know where you are. i think a lot of us do. that place is unnameable, so strange to begin to comprehend, confusing, undefineable.
it all makes me want to listen to Twentysomething by Jamie Cullum and just pray that the Lord would remind me that He is the only stability that i will consistently have. my life may not be stable or have any clear path or answers, but the Lord is all of that to me.
keep on keeping on and listen to Twentysomething. :) love you.
What are you going to grad school for?
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