5 Months?

Three weeks to prepare? Is it possible, to up and leave in half a month? It's so soon, so startling, with so much to do, but possible. Will it all pan out? I am trusting the Lord, but it's funny. It's so soon that I feel like nobody recognizes the implications, not even myself. Of course, I don't know if I'll get the position, but I find out soon.

Where can the Lord ask us to go that we would say no? Is there anywhere He might ask you to go that you would dare say no? I dare not say no, though I might ask "why?" But in the end, whether or not my question is answered, I will go. He is Lord, after all.

Broken inside, and having to rely on the God who is the lover of my soul, the Husband of his bride, of which I am a part. I can find rest in His arms only. I can seek solace from His voice, His love only. Whew. It is hard.

It's seems so much nicer to have it--comfort, hugs, whispers, love--from another. But then where would my reliance upon the Lord be? It wouldn't be. I have and will continue to learn this small lesson, yet a lesson so very close to a heart of a Christian. The Lord must be the one to fulfill this place in me, in His people, or else, when the loss of life comes--death, violence, destruction--our strength will wither in madness and slowly choke away all that we thought was our strength, until we found out that none other than the Lord God Almighty can be the living water in that seeming desolate wasteland that is me. In His people.

I hope that it works out, that 5 months away will make me open my eyes to reality, that I need to know the Lord and truly rely on Him, before I return. And can a person change that much in 5 months' time? The Lord can do miracles.

Even if it doesn't work out, I want my attitude to still be such.

The end has not yet come

"Our cause is never in more danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's (God's) will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

I had to requote this brief excerpt from C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, which I quoted a while back in one of my previous blogs. It gives me chills. Can you imagine such a faith, such devotion? A person who is so committed to his King that even when his desire has failed, he still intends to, and actually DOES, obey.

I have been blind and lost in this craig before, lost in that deep hidden valley of the shadow of death where every trace of Him seems to have vanished, asking why I was forsaken, but still choosing to obey. I will obey. I only pray that by God's strength and for His glory I will continue on in such a manner, and that God's chosen will continue on, saying, "Not my will but thine be done."

Seeing it through

Once in a while when the earth comes cold

you'll spot a place of sun;

and before your eyes can look away

the rest of you will run

straight into that blast of red

that is someone's angry pain;

you'll stand for just a second

and warm, remember her again.

*ES*

God gives the desolate a home to live in. Psalm 68.6

My work is holding me through, and God and friends, of course. But I am thankful for work, not to be idle, because then my mind is on other things, on others, more specifically. Today I actually felt functional at work for the first time in several weeks. I could laugh with the kids (and at them). I could put more of ME into what I was doing. And I felt the results. I had better teaching sessions and more of a positive outcome with the students. Thank you for your faithfulness, Lord.

I chose these 2 literary "pieces" above because they seem to fit my life so perfectly right now. I love how the literary works that we so randomly decide to read can sometimes be so soothing, like a balm. There is nothing like words, like Words, to make life worth living. Some people have a way with words. I am always thankful to meet people with such a gift. That's why it's so incredibly AMAZING that God is the Word. All these little connections in this world help me to see and believe even more in a God that I can't touch or see tangibly. I must live by faith no matter the time.

Afraid to be rich

Sometimes I am afraid because I am rich.

And believe me, though I may be on a low salary bracket in America, I am rich.

I AM RICH.



"Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's"-Jesus.

Jesus told us to pay our dues to the governing authorities above us. Okay. So I owe taxes, I have bills to pay for my apartment, my car, my students loans, insurance, and credit. I pay my tithe. But what was Jesus talking about here? What is "render unto God what is God's"? Is it my tithe? Is it my money? Is it my attitude at work? Is it how I spend my time with what I watch or listen to or eat or who I hang out with?

Render unto God what is God's. And what is that? It's what is His. And that's me. ME. Caesar (the government) can demand of me what it will from my finances and security. But none of those things are quite so demanding as that of God's rendering. I owe Him myself.

Sometimes I am afraid because I am rich.

Sometimes I wish that I knew how to be giving, how to be generous, how to be kind. I do not want to be rich by the measure of this world, but by the measure of Christ. My financial richness...? Yes, I work for it. I "earn" the money for these things, for the food I eat. But He is my Provider, the giver of my daily bread, because without His blessing to give me strength in my body, knowledge in my head, an ability to communicate, AIR TO BREATHE, I would have nothing. Since I render unto Him what is His...me. It's all His anyways. I should not be afraid because I am rich. I should be overwhelmed by His provision for me that I might somehow provide for others and, in so doing, bring glory to the name of Jesus.

And sometimes I am afraid because I am more poor than I think..

Ahh...friends.

How I love thee, my friends.
How dear to me, my friends.
I live with [some of] them but don't kill them, my friends.

We do goofy things (fist-pump, cruise listening to k-star's fv music: country, & rack up awkward sayings on a special quote board) together, my friends.
I couldn't live without them, my friends.
Because without them, what family would I have here (or in various parts of the country *cough--Utah/Korea* *cough--Vancouver*)? my friends.

Loving, some fighting (with forgiveness), lots of laughing, sometimes lots of crying, praying, hoping, and driving.

I couldn't ask for better friends. Lord knows I need their support.
How I love thee, my friends.

The pic, I stole from Dulcinator's computer (sorry D). :)

A Weekend at home

It was a hot, dry day in Yakima today. Of course it was...it's summertime. What else do you get on the east side of the Cascades? Other than maybe a thunderstorm or two. And my Sierra dog had a hair cut like I never expected. She's a short-haired dog now, and she looks like a Dingo. Literally. Oh, and I slept in my old room the last two nights; it's yellow with white trim and has a lovely ceiling fan (I seriously love ceiling fans). It was 2 awesome nights of sleep. But when I woke up, reality always seemed to sink in.

I didn't want to go back.

Going home didn't solve any of my problems. It just made me realize how much I miss my family, how much I don't like some of these changes in my life, and how nothing will be the same again. Of course, things can always get better; just because change happens doesn't always mean it's for the negative. But still. It's change.

I have major questions that I want answered. Hehe. Isn't that funny? Don't we all want answers about something or another? Alas, the answer always seems to be, "Trust the Lord and have patience." Yeah, yeah. I know. And I am trying. But we also sometimes have to make decisions. And what do you do when you have to make decisions about things you don't know? *Sigh* Patience is ringing again. :)

Do you ever desperately need to talk to somebody particular, but you don't, for some reason? I want to talk to my mom and/or dad, but I didn't, not about anything deep. And yet, I trust them more than anybody else. Interesting... "It is better to trust in the Lord than to trust in man" (from a Psalm, I forget which one).

Eeek, sometimes I want to make a rash decision. To join the Peace Corps or apply for some English job overseas and just get out of here, leave this life behind. Don't get me wrong, I love some of the things in my life right now, I just can't wait. I have a signed lease on my apartment until July 11, 2007. So I'll definitely be here until then. But after July 11...? Who knows. Only the Lord does. Maybe I'll even be staying here.

Seek Him. Seek Him. Seek Him.