Phenomenal flashbacks

My time here in Colorado is coming to an end quickly. Three weeks left and I will leave this part of my life behind. I honestly never thought it could get here fast enough. But tonight almost made me change my mind. Almost.

It is thunderstorm season in the plains this time of year--early to mid spring. And with it comes some of the most incredible, and unpredictable, forecasts you're never expecting. I will have to take some pictures.

Tonight I went for a jog around town (yes, it takes me about 20 minutes to JOG around town, that's how small it is) because I was enlivened by the tumultuous weather. Rain pelted me earlier in the day. And it was no light mist either, like Seattle experiences--the kind where you don't need an umbrella. Within the course of a few seconds, my shoulders were practically soaking. That's what you call a downpour. Nevertheless, I decided to bare the weather--rain or not.

My jog quickly turned into a walk, however, as I chose to venture into unknown territoy--always a slightly scary and empowering adventure. I was going to walk out into the country on a country road instead of taking the main streets, like I usually do. Why? you might ask. Because that is where the clouds were, and where I wanted to fly away to. Here the reminiscing began.

First, the most powerful memory-stirrer: scent.

It smelled like my grandma and poppy's house out in the country in Yakima, from when I was a little girl. I haven't smelled that smell in years--the smell of barn. Of cats and evaporated milk. Of wet hay. Of open fields. Intoxicating. Addicting.

Second, a most powerful reminder of God's awesome glory: nature.

The dark grey clouds came rolling in from the north, while rain showers of a lighter grey color, looking like a soft blanket falling from the heavens to the horizon, cascaded slowly toward me from the west. Thunder began to rumble slightly. The breeze picked up. I started walking back.

I hadn't walked far when I stopped--only a few houses and farms in the distance. No cars. Brown field lay before me, empty crossroads stretched in either direction, a few large jackrabbits chased each other, and bright green grass lit up the land behind me. Closing my eyes, I stretched out my arms and breathed in the cool, rain-smelling air. And then I heard it. The wind picked up and was now sailing through the limbs of the tall trees, which are just beginning to bud with new young life. Astounding. My heart is soaring. I am flying.

Oh God. How magnificent you are. And how small I am. The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. He is mighty, to be praised.

The hardest time to hope...

I was just thinking about this, but I do believe that perhaps the most difficult time in life to hope, to live as a Christian, is when you are disappointed.

Have you ever been incredibly disappointed? Either in yourself or in someone else?

I have. Both. But I also think that it is HERE that the forgiveness of Christ is paramount to Christianity. Christ FORGAVE us. And so we can too. Amazing. He doesn't just cover our sins, he REMOVES them.

Praise God.

Are you REALLY willing to be alone?

It's a relevant question.

I have really been alone this year. I mean, the absence of the physical presence of friends/loved ones. I haven't just talked about it.

Could you really be alone for a while? What about a long time? Could I? I believe that I could, I just wouldn't want to know ahead of time that that would be my life. :) Just 9 months isn't too bad, but it's a heck of a lot harder than I thought. You wouldn't undertand unless you did something similar.

What if I end up being single the rest of my life? Could I still serve God, love Him, and not get sucked into a guilt-ridden, bitter-attitude toward Him because I'm "alone?" Ashley, get over it. Sex is not that big of a deal. At least, it's not worth life or death.

It's frustrating to hear of Christians in America who place so much emphasis on getting what they want. As though us getting what we want is the qualifying factor of Christianity. Hah. I would posit that such faith actually utterly misses the mark of what it means to be a Christian. We live in this world, but are not of it.

The attractiveness of good manners

They say that chivalry is out of date?

I DON'T THINK SO, you deceived super-womanists out there!

Chivalry will never be out of date.

Good manners are incredibly attractive to a woman who knows herself and is confident in her femininity. Any man should want to know that: Good manners = I want you baby! :)

So what are a few good manners that we women (or perhaps I should just say, I, Ash) love?

(And yes, to my bf who will probably read this: despite all your incorrigibilty, I know these traits reside within you!) :)

Super Important Ones:
1. Loves the Lord God above all things and desires to glorify Him.
2. Tenderness of heart
3. Speaks kindly most of the time, but knows when to raise his voice
4. Seeks to honor and respect everyone
5. Intelligent, but puts his faith before opinion.
6. Knows how to respect a woman. Because if a man knows how to respect a woman, he most likely respects himself and others.

Not-Super-Important, but still really good:
1. Doesn't always have to open doors for women, but when he does, it isn't just for his wife or gf, but for any woman.
2. Can be dorky and still confident
3. Knows how to cook and is willing to cook on occasion (sadly, I don't really qualify in this one myself! I'm not a good cook at this point, though I am willing to cook. Maybe my mom will teach me some good stuff when I move back home...) :)
4. Likes nature!
5. Willingness to write letters that are longer than one line. (mwah hah hah) :)
6. Doesn't mind giving flowers and being romantic.

Okay, enough of my cheesy-ness. I know, I know...these are all ideals, no man, no HUMAN, can live up to these perfectly. In reality, the "super-important ones" are traits that "well-mannered" men AND women should possess. The "not so important" ones are just for fun. *smile*

The fear of the Lord...

...is the beginning of understanding (or of wisdom, as some would have it).

I am beginning to have an inkling of what that means.

As a pastor I heard recently said, "When you fear God, you don't have to fear anything else."

Resurrection Sunday was this past Sunday, and a glorious day it was. I was reminded of my faith, and the beauty therein, residing in the fact that Jesus the Christ is alive and seated at the right hand of the Father.

Have you ever been broken before? Weeping for any number of reasons? Weeping for yourself, for the sins you've committed, for the guilt that weighs on your shoulders, for the children who are starving, for the Haitian people lost in Voodooism, for the liberal tolerance of our country that makes no distinction between right and wrong...

Have you ever soared before? Your heart/spirit/person soaring in the joy of Christ? Not in the fact of anything other than: you love Him. You love the Father in heaven, who sent His only Son to die and rise again that we might be saved?

God is looking for those who worship Him in Spirit and in truth. Worship. I want a heart of worship that pours forth in my words, actions, and prayers. Words that are life-giving. Actions that are righteous. Prayers that adore my Father.

I used to be afraid of dying--of cancer, of car accidents, of getting shot. Of course, I don't want any of that to happen, but I am believing by faith in what that preacher said: "When you fear God, you don't have to fear anything else." I fear God. And thus, this is the beginning of any type of understanding.

I read this portion of Scripture last night and it blew me out of the water. Seriously, it's like I read and understood it for the first time.

"But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel. See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks" (Hebrews 12.22-24).

I want a heart of worship. A heart that seeks to honor my King (for example, as the movie The Last Samurai depicts when the Japanese army bows in honor at the death of the great Samurai warrior Katsumoto). And I want to be led by those who have hearts of worship.

An interesting thought-provoker

...spoken by one of our nation's deceased, infamous leaders.

"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin, of preventing all possibility of its continuing to be a nation at all would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities... each preserving its separate nationality."

Theodore Roosevelt (c.1912)

Where is our country heading? You tell me.

Actually, if you could really tell me, then you should probably be president. So just tell me your opinion. :)

My final weeks...

Have you ever felt enormously intimidated by the up-coming season of your life, and the fact that you don't really know what the future holds, as much as you plan for it?

While I can't say that this season of life (post-undergrad years) is THEE hardest or least stable, they sure are pretty hard and unstable. The first year after college has been the hardest of my life so far. Thankfully, it'll be over in 2 months, and I'll be starting my 2nd year after college (and starting grad school in August...). But what I'm most intimidated about is the fact that my life affects others. And just how much it does. I'll be moving in with my family again for the next year or two. My boyfriend is planning on starting a whole new life in Yakima JUST becaue I'll be there (whoa). One of my brothers will be able to drive. The other brother will be finished with his year of linguistic training in Farsi for the Air Force (and who knows where he'll then be stationed).

And all that to say: I don't know where I'll fit in in Yakima either. Don't know how the finances will work out for grad school. Don't know how my boyfriend will feel in Yakima (or how I'll feel, for that matter). Don't know how my family will deal with my life changing (and I pray they will support me). Don't know. Don't know. Don't know. Where will I work after grad school?

Really, I'm not worried right now as I write these things down. Honestly, it's like I'm just shooting off a list of things necessary to do, nothing with which I'm currently involved. Which is quite the opposite of what is really true. I don't feel real involved in my own life right now--as though I don't really feel. It's as though I see my life objectively in my mind's eye--as though this is all happening to somebody else. Not to me, Ashley. I'm sure that that sensation will change eventually. Perhaps I'm feeling this way because I'm afraid of the impact on other people's lives. It's okay if crazy and unexpected things happen to me, but when they happen to others or affect those others, I want to avoid it and protect them. But I guess reality is: I'm not God. That is the scariest (and most relieving) truth. I can't cause somebody else avoidance or protect them because I'm not in control.

That's okay.