A pulsing blob of emotional madness

Can't you just see it now? Ashley. A pulsing blob of emotional madness. My friend K-star would laugh and probably make fun of my way totally wicked dance moves. I am a hot dancer. ;) So can you see it now? A pulsing blob of emotional madness doing a little "rub the kitten" hand motion in the air to either side of my head. It's a beautiful picture. I wish I could draw it on blogspot. Somebody should invent that...a blog where you can draw and everything. That would be rad.

Anyways, yes. The color of the blob, in my mind, is blue--a blueberry blue (like the girl from Willy Wonka). Not blue in the depressed sense.

Thankfully, I begin work sooner than expected, next week, in fact. Though that is working out well (and I still pray that I will be hired on fulltime come September), the rest of life seems so insecure right now. Little money, craziness, uncertainty, no home church...blah blah blah.

But I met an older man named Bob yesterday who suffered from a stroke a while back. We chatted out by the pool as the sun scorched this pulsing blob of emotional madness, and I was again reminded by myself, "Ashley, shut up."

Yes, Self. Shut up. Bob doesn't know the Lord. And you do. Do something with your life, because you have been given LIFE. HeLLO.

It's really hard not to allow the things we do to define our purpose in who we are. It should be the other way around. Who I am defines my purpose. And who I am is a forgiven sinner, forgiven by Jesus Christ.

So I am trying to shut up now. It's hard. I'm trying to shut up about a lot of things. I don't know how. It's like I can't do it on my own.

And then I had this amazingly crazy dream last night. I was walking around a boat out in the ocean and it was a huge boat. There was a ton of people on the boat whom I know and have known in the past (people from high school, etc.). And my family and friends were there too. But there was an evil being who was trying to kill people, to kill me. And I can just remember its power as it made my youngest brother lose his will to live, because he needed somebody to fight for him. I was trying. And then I caught glimpses of people I knew as they were in various acts of sinning, and they were all dirty and covered with smears of blood, though they didn't realize it. They were putrid, actually. As I searched for this evil presence, who kept trying to make all these people die, I reached the middle of the boat and called out, "Just come out and face me!" I waited as all the people who had been sinning came around to see what the commotion was about. (By the way, I was one of those sinners, because I remember walking by a couple fornicating and I remember the hate eminating from my own heart toward the woman.) I had been carrying around a sharp sword-like object in order to kill whatever this evil thing was. As the people gathered around, an image popped in my head. The image that Christ did not fight with a sword, but went before the people empty-handed, as a lamb before the slaughter. (Though I am a sinner, I believe it portrayed the Spirit living inside His people who are saved, though we are not perfect.) So I threw down my sword and stood in the middle. My friend J stood next to me, supporting me. And as people came to me, one by one, I could feel that they weren't the evil being, but that they partook in it. I did something like share the Gospel, though it is a little unclear, with one or two people as they came to the center. As I did, more people drew closer, though the evil presence never emerged. And then I woke up.

In the words of our enemy...

"Our cause is never in more danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's (God's) will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

This quote caused flashes of light to go off in my head and heart. Duh. Sometimes God makes Himself more known to us, helps us feel Him more, than at other times. He is wanting us to be children who, even in those times when He is silent and withdrawn, obey. We still know what to do even if He is silent. It's just harder. But I don't want everything to be easy for me all of the time. I want to be a faithful servant even when my Master is out of the house, per se. I know He's coming back.

Too much sleep

I've been thinking a lot lately (I've had time). And I've been realizing a few things.

1. It is possible to love in a way that is not Godly. The Bible says "God is love," not "love is God." In the math world, the two would be synonymous, but they aren't.
It is NOT a = b thus b = a. It's only: "God is love."

2. I try to save people whom I love. I can't.

3. I am weak and I don't like to admit it.

4. I am strong and I like to admit it.

5. Jesus said we must be willing to give up all that is closest to us, including husbands, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children, and friends, if it would be for His glory. Usually we don't have to physically give these things up, but if we did...if for some reason these were taken away, would we still love and obey Him?

6. I am afraid of being alone. But we are in this world, not of it. This is not our home. I am not home here, as much as I think I am.

7. Being self-controlled is hard. Being self-sacrificing is harder.

8. God created humans as sexual beings, but that does not define us.

9. Modesty is important as a Christian who is a woman. My body is not my own, but the Lord's; it is the temple of the living God. As is the body of any man or woman in Christ.

10. I was made to have purpose. Right now, not having a job, I really have to evaluate in whom I find purpose. I'm realizing that my purpose is often defined by what I do, rather than what God says.

The Oath

Is a book by Frank Peretti, and I am only halfway through it. It is a "Christian thriller," which sounds extremely hilarious and somewhat ridiculous, but it has good points to it. He is a good writer.

A Christian thriller? Ironic. Really, it sounds ridiculous. Christianity is so BORING, right? What about Christianity actually causes conflict (other than hypocrisy)? Isn't being a Christian just about wearing white shirts and khaki pants, bringing a Bible to school, saying a bunch of mumbo-jumbo prayer stuff, and then obeying all these rules. What's so scary about that? Sounds lame to me.

That is lame. And that's not Christianity. Some of those things result from being a Christian, like obedience to God, but it's always obedience about good stuff, like respecting and loving people, not doing bad stuff to ourselves or to others. The Christian thriller part of the book resides in the fact that the bad stuff in us, the sin, kills us. Satan and his minions want to destroy us. It eats away at us, and Christians are in a battle, a war. We do not fight against flesh and blood. The true Christian life is more of a thriller than any other life one could live. It fulfills and completes us, for we are created to honor and love God, to honor and love one another.

Polygamy or cattle breeding?

Is it a game? Do people really believe in polygamy? Do women really enjoy "sharing" a husband with other women? Is the husband just a creepy guy who wants to have as many women as possible? And for those who do believe in polygamy, what deceptive power is able to convince a people so deeply?

To me, polygamy is like cattle breeding.

I watched a special on t.v. the other night about polygamy, particularly in relation to the Mormon religion. Women were interviewed who detested being married, having been forced to marry a man up to 30 years older at an age of 18, and having been forced to stay in that marriage in order to receive entrance into heaven.

This is not Christianity, and it is completely deceiving. It is not supported in the Bible. Christ is our high priest by whom we are able to be saved. It is not by a husband, or a father, or a brother, not by a mother, or wife, or sister. It is by redemption provided through the name of Jesus Christ alone.

What saddens me the most about polygamy, but mostly about Mormonism, is that it is deceiving in that it shares part of truth, but it does not share it all, nor does it share it clearly. In that way, it is not the truth. Deception is deception. And the Bible talks about how in the end times many will be led astray, and even the hearts of Christians will grow cold. Christ warned us of these times, to look out for deception and for the enemy, and not to let them have a foothold. Identify deception and call it out for what it is--evil. For God is not God of confusion, but of clarity, power, and a sound mind. May our hearts never turn cold, never turn to stone. May they break day after day with love for people, no matter the cost. And may the deception of Mormonism be destroyed in the name of Jesus. May the power and clear truth of Jesus Christ pierce hearts and draw the lost sheep to the Shepherd.

A new life...

Or so I think.

It's great to be moved in with 3 of my best friends. I am looking for a job and had 2 interviews today that both went well. I don't know exactly what job to take if I'm offered (one is a financial aid coordinator position for NU and the other is a medical receptionist at Bellevue Cardiology Clinic). I'm praying about what position.

God is just so faithful, isn't he?

My graduation weekend was SERIOUSLY the best weekend of my life so far (other than when I got saved). I shared the message of Christ and was able to spend amazing time with my family and best friends.

And still, I recognize the fear of a new life. I mean, I'm beginning my "life." No more school, or living at home...it's insane. What? You mean, I have to PAY BILLS! :)

This Girl

This Girl

Rain threatens to sink;
It hits this girl’s lash and drops—
I blink and walk on.

Drops, then a puddle,
Now a river that rages—
Heart stops, arms swim on.

Spring’s river smacks sea,
Water pours over my head—
Strength flows from His red.