A little bit of my testimony

If you know the Lord, do you remember the day you "got saved?" Have you dwelt on that beautiful day/process recently?

Here is a little recap of the day (and process leading up to when) I got saved. I just want to share because we took communion this past Sunday, and taking communion always so deeply reminds me of just how gracious God is for saving such a grotesque sinner like me.

I had just turned 16 a few months earlier. So. There I was. A new junior in high school, the youngest in my class, an academic geek, a varsity soccer player, a girl with a few close friends and a loving family. What more could I ask for? There was little "wrong" with my life. Though I deeply wanted a boyfriend, I had moments of deep depression, and I was a mixture of the shyest, most opinion-driven girls you'd ever meet, not much was missing. My family wasn't needy. I didn't do drugs or sleep around. I had 2 best friends. And honestly, I didn't think much about anybody but myself. My old diary is filled with the latest gossip at school, the latest boy I had a crush on, the latest fight I had with my parents and the mean, nasty things I would rant on about my "horribly strict" mother and father. Though I detested my family at times, I held on to my parents and brothers deeper than I ever began to realize because I felt so lost at my core.

But I was a little girl on the inside, putting on a show of being tough. I feared many things, many deep things. And above all, I feared death. Not so much my own death, because I remember times of contemplating death, but the fear of losing people close to me. My grandma died when I was 8 or so, and that dent in my heart and my family still tries to haunt me to this day. Instead of recognizing that fear, however, I ignored the meaningful things inside of myself and just tried to get on with my days. One day, I'd be an emotional wreck. The next, the cutest boy in school would look at me. Such emotional extremes were horrible on me, and as a result I often acted rashly toward my family.

Then one day my cousin invited me to church (to check out this guy she had an eye for). So I went a few Sundays. And sure, I listened to the pastor and his messages. And I liked the people, for the most part. They were pretty friendly and I got some cookies at the end of the service. But honestly, I was afraid of the things I felt in my heart: afraid of the hope that had begun to stir, and yet afraid of that same hope because I couldn't "see," and how could I KNOW for sure that Christianity was right. A lot of times, I hated myself, and I hated my life. And I don't know if you have ever hated yourself, but it is a devastating place to be. It sucks your soul into oblivion, into a wasteland.

And one Sunday, a normal Sunday in November, I sat listening to Pastor Terry's message, and I bowed my head like everybody else for his closing prayer. My cousin sat to my right, and my youth pastor a few chairs down. My great aunt and uncle were at the service too. And that was about the extent of people I knew. But something surprising happened. I heard Pastor Terry's invitation to salvation and it was as though, in the words of Paul, scales fell from my eyes, or from my heart, and I began weeping. Yes, it was loud and no, it was not planned at all. I probably wouldn't have come if I knew I would make such a spectacle. :) And it would have been embarassing had it not been for the fact that I had just been born again, made a new creation, been forgiven my sins by a loving Savior. I looked up, hoping I wasn't too loud, but instead I looked into my cousins eyes and saw her tears for me, tears of joy at seeing the words of Christ taking root in somebody's heart. She took me in her arms and I remember whispering in her ear, "I can feel Him inside of me," as I trembled. My youth pastor was crying. My aunt and uncle were too. And later, my pastor. But still, I remember these things in my heart. I remember not knowing the Lord, and then knowing Him. I remember NOT knowing Jesus, and then knowing Him. Wow. The difference is as dramatic as seeing a corpse compared to a newborn baby.

Life would continue on, proving difficult at times, proving wonderfully filled with the Lord's joy at times. But through those times, the Lord proved Himself faithful.

Will you pause and remember with me the time when you first knew Jesus? Or ponder some of the special things He has shown you and spoken to your heart. He deserves the very least of our time and praise.